What does it matter

I applied for SSI and went to a psychologist and neurologist to clear up diagnosis confusion. I was told there was confusion because the records showed: ADHD, Schizo-affective, and Bipolar. I don’t even think it was listed to be schizophrenia. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia for ten years prior to the change to be told a month or so ago that I probably never had schizophrenia, and that it could have seemed more extreme because I was in a manic state. I’m not sure what that means. That it’s not as severe as it was? That is a good thing, right…and then for my checkup by neurologist, I was told even though I had the genetic test done for a muscle disorder the gene wasn’t expressed…ok then…so I don’t have that as bad. So I was put into a hospital how many times, treated like an extreme case, to be told 10 years later it was a mistake, and not receive any benefits…because I’m so upset I don’t even want to find a job. Because I’m upset. I don’t care. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I have no one guiding me. Both parents left the house. I’m alone in a 3 story house and no one is here. I made a new appointment with my psychiatrist. I was accepted to community college. I have made so many steps toward progress and recovery, and yet I have made no progress in life, no real sense of belonging, no financial gains, no accomplishments, loss of confidence and self esteem, loss of understanding of who I am. Because I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia after being admitted against my will into an adult unit in martinsburg wv, at age fifteen. Then later, raped in a hospital in MD, and later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at age 16 after I told my psychiatrist that I thought I was raped and assaulted, and my mom gasped and got upset because I had “schizophrenia, undifferentiated” circled on a sheet of yellow paper outside without having been told. But that’s OK RIGHT? THAT IS OK. ITS OK to be raped by people working at a mental hospital. ITS OK to be isolated for over 42 hours in a cell for NOT SPEAKING. THATS NOT TORTURE. NO. THAT WAS TORTURE. It was in 2004+ right after the country invaded the middle east, I was asked my opinion of the war at Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore MD. They tried to get me to agree I was psychotic when I stood up and asked to leave, and called it an outburst of screaming at everyone… THAT IS TORTURE AND MIND CONTROL. I AM NOT SICK.



No one cares about me.

I’m going to kill myself.

Hey, whats up? Is it that bad if you have schizophrenia? We all do here, most of us, or some sort of psychotic illness, what matters is that you seek treatment.

I care, please don’t harm yourself.

I care too StarryNight. Most of us have been where you’re at right now and came out the other side relieved that we didn’t go through with it or that the attempt failed. I’m sure you will too, don’t give up.

I’m sorry you went through all that. I hope the docs get their heads out of their buts and actually help you.

Yeah I would be really angry, too, if I went through all that because I had SZ, only to be told I don’t have SZ and don’t qualify for help years later when I need the help. Your anger is completely understandable. Please don’t take it out on yourself, though.

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Please dont hurt yourself @StarryNight.

Find the support/ meds that you need.

It doesnt matter which diagnosis you have, finding the right treatment for it is what matters


We all care, StarryNight. Your anger is perfectly reasonable, but don’t let other people’s stupidity drive you to extreme measures. It seems like it is only when you don’t want to be hospitalized that they take you in.

that is so sad what happened to you. Maybe you need to see a different psychiatrist that will acknowledge your diagnosis instead of deny it when you need help.

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Thanks so much guys!! I’m feeling better today. I’m ok. I was really off yesterday and all over the place. I didn’t take abilify last night and slept better and calmed down. I think I’ve recovered and at this point medication is just making me worse than I am. I have not been having any problems when I don’t take medication but everyone is entitled to their choice. My head’s clear again. I slept very soundly last night, hadn’t slept in two days because of the medication giving me insomnia and mood swings.


I choose to take abilify with mirtazapine, that way I don’t hear voices and I can get some sleep. I’m glad you are feeling better.

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Oh, well the insurance keeps not approving it. I just called in with my psychiatrist who asked them to authorize Abilify, and I went to five ER’s to try and get them refilled, and was ignored. I tried to be on top of it, instead they keep doing this. It’s like the insurance does not want me to take medication I was made to believe I needed. And I was denied SSI. So I’m not sure what to think. Abilify…I’m so tired of it. I can’t keep being put on it to be unable to refill it, therefore I would rather not take it at all and not deal with withdrawal. I’m not having psychosis.

I think Abilify is making me depersonalize. It’s giving me insomnia, makes me not take anything seriously. I don’t know, I’m getting more irritable and depressed by the minute with this nonsense. I called after my appointment today and it still wasn’t ready to be picked up.

It is now almost 4 years for me to be on Abilify. At first I was put on 15mg then I relapse. Dr increased it for a while to 30mg then I went down to 20 mg and I relapse again. I went up to 30 mg again but it was just too much for me. Now I’m down to 25mg and doing fine.

I have so many meds that I have to take but I drink them religeously. I get tired up standing up and drinking meds but I do so cause I know it is best for me. I also had trouble to get hold of Abilify a while back so much so that I almost had to change meds…but the problem was with the pharmacy who had issues with a supplier. I switched to another pharmacy and now everything is sorted.

You are right. You cannot afford to be on and off Abilify because of ill supply due to whatever reason. If we mess around with our meds, whether it is our fault or not, we can become very ill.
If possible try to find a stable source for your meds. You have to get stable on your meds and it can be quite tricky to find the right dosage. It can also take a long time to find the required effect…sometimes months…sometimes years.
I hope you get things smoothed out for you in no time.

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thanks so glad you understand. It’s too expensive or something and maybe that’s the issue. It was authorized and then unauthorized. I don’t want to switch to anything new just yet and my psychiatrist doesn’t want me to. He lowered the dose to 10mgs and hopes they approve it.

Poor starry night. That’s awful that they wont give you ssi or abilify.

I’ve never gotten anything from the government. They’ve been messing with my right to take the medication I was put on for the past ten years or more, and basing my SSI denial off the fact their too two faced to realize schizophrenia isn’t a non-existent disease. I should be entitled to a lawsuit then for being misdiagnosed and forced to take medications against my will for a lie.

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Maybe I was targeted for pollitical oppression.