Now that iv hit my 20s & been diagnosed… im tired of pretending everything I have to sometimes pretend im an actress & act as someone iv watched on tv or something & say things they would say bc im diff now I dont know who I am im fine somedays but no one knows who iv really become now im trying so hard to find myself my brain has mindfucked me. I use to be a competitive dancer & had many friends now im just weird & dont know how to make friends. Dont know why im btinging myself down right now. Does anyone else suffer frm this glad to hear & how do u get through it some positive thoughts?
maybe find a dance studio around you, and do jazz ballet just for fun, it will get the endorphins buzzing around your body, keep you fit, and you will meet like minded people…
finding your self is a journey…it is hard for ’ muggles ’ and sz alike…
Pretending I don’t care?
Pretending this is all real, yeah right.
Pretending to be someone I’m not to please other people and pretending that I’m happy to people who know nothing!
I am tired of acting like I am angry to fend off real life situations that are overwhelming. I really don’t enjoy anger and hate walking around like this.
Exactly to everyoneee its good when u find sumone to talk to my fiance gets me thank god!
I hate having to be strong sometimes. I am greatly recovered and highly functioning but I still feel pain from my past and have anxiety episodes and sometimes symptoms come back when I am stressed. I am a powerlifter and will be competing this fall and I have to do this for graduate school and for all of us who cant fight. I feel a lack of motivation and emotionally depleted most of the time but I still do well in college and am training hard for this whole powerlifting thing. I chose to do this to stand out to graduate schools and as a personal mission for all of us who dont get better. I used to be a train wreck and now it is possible for me to function very highly so I make myself do it just to beat the stigma.
I think I like to be strong by performing athletically and academically because I actually feel helpless. It’s called Reaction Formation, Freud labeled my behavior a long time ago.
I sometimes hate having to be “strong” because everyone knows me to be strong. Like I said, its because I am insecure and full of fear. When I see my friends and family they expect for me to be making straight A’s and doing a challenging extracurricular activity. I sometimes cant believe that I am myself, that I am both strong on the outside but traumatized and fragile on the inside. Its absurd to watch videos of myself lifting over twice my weight repetitively when I am laying on the couch feeling like an anxious weak piece of ■■■■. But somehow I get it together and go to school, master the material and go to the gym and break my personal records.
It’s not all sunshine being recovered. When it comes back, and it does, it hurts so much more. Little things that upset normal people trigger episodes of anxiety or psychosis for me. Like for the past several days I have been a wreck, I got kicked off the powerlifting team and offended someone who I was friends with and looked up to, I even posted about his remarkable emotional intelligence and surprising social skills- Im talking about the biggest guy at my gym. He apparently was personally offended by something I posted to someone on facebook which he saw and told me “dont ever speak to me again, understand? you can go ■■■■ yourself.” It really hurt and I am afraid to go back to the gym and apologize to him. The coach/owner of the gym told me he told him to be cool so I hope he will accept my apology.
Im sort of a mess right now. Im going to an emergency appointment with my therapist now.
I’m tired of trying to pretend to be normal all the time. Since my method of not looking crazy is to ignore the voices in my head sit there (where ever I am) with my head down and wait to go home I’m not really enjoying life. But I’m afraid to slip up and actually “look crazy” but not behaving the way I should in any given situation.