I made some foolish decisions I guess and stopped finding something to do with my time. It is sad and interesting that I now seem to have all the time in the World yet I struggle with keeping my apartment clean and simple grooming habits. Depression tends to do that to me. I don’t live in a safe part of town and my haste to leave home blinded me to the fact that I have to go to a dangerous neighborhood in order to catch the bus. I’m taking an antidepressant but the one thing it can’t deal with is the quality of my life which is boredom and the feeling of being confined to a small space. My social worker and doctors tell me I’m not capable of working but I’m afraid if I don’t find something productive to do I’ll simply be in and out of the hospital like a revolving door. My main problems are fear and transportation. I fear going into that neighborhood because I’m a different race from most of those living there and it has a reputation for violence and gang activity. I also fear that if I could work that the transportation situation would be precarious because I can’t drive and the bus system runs Monday through Saturday 6:30 am-9 pm and doesn’t run Sundays or holidays. The nature of a job allowed under the SSI system could not be sustained since most jobs have revolving shifts including night shifts and holidays. Even if I could work the cost of my medication would be a red flag to the health insurance company that the employer works with and they would likely fire me. My former step-father’s business insured it’s worker’s families and it would routinely not hire applicants with sick family members. I’m afraid that attitude is systemic in the local economy despite government assurances to the contrary. Once I was hired my check would be reduced by social security and during the time it took to restore it after I was fired I could end up on the street. So without a job, much money, immobility, and reaching middle age I’m about as socially attractive as a warthog. Actually I am sometimes tempted to be hospitalized again just for the socialization but I know they’ll dope me up rather badly and I don’t care for the concern it brings to my family. Also the last medicine change is causing a tremendous weight gain and cravings for the wrong kinds of food that are hard to resist. I did quite well in my last attempt at school and made straight A’s but now I am getting forgetful about what I learned and an associate’s degree in my field doesn’t lend itself easily to a job. I am glad that I didn’t get into a serious relationship and father a child into this seemingly impossible situation as I feared I was headed to dead-end street for a long time but feel quite lonely at the same time. The latuda I was taking turned me into a manic person and for the first time in decades I found it easy to socialize but I also was very angry and scared my family and my friends. Now I’m back to being asocial, disorganized, and feeling worthless. I will see my p-doc soon but I don’t expect miracles any more. I just hope I can reorganize myself and break out of this cycle of depression.
“Wasting the days away” is a feeling that follows me…well for a months now.
Even if I do something intellectually complexed I feel exhausted soon after.
So…depression, flat state, sucks. I feel you there.
Seems to me that you are, as so many of us struggling with demotivation, trying to find more and more reasons I.e difficult circumstances ( or excuses) to not take any action. We just get so used to our helplessness and hopelessness that it becomes our natural state, our shelter.
Firstly, your doctor and social worker are not your gods. If you feel relatively able to work - and from the way you write I would say that you are capable for even more - I don’t see why you should stick to advices that seems slightly unprofessional. ( what kind of doctor insists on its patient’s inability to be a community member???)
Secondarily, you are assuming too much. You drew almost your entire dark future in couple of sentences.
Can you see that those assumptions are just your thoughts…your beliefs and fears?
It doesn’t have to be like that.
Can you consider doing some voluntery or charity work…some sports or classes to take for beginning?
I sincerely wish the best to you.