I’m kinda worried my Latuda has been bumped down a notch or two (80mgs now) and I had another “event”. The every day stress of the over anxiety that the higher dose of Latuda was causing was the main reason my Dr. cranked it down, but I have also been having these infrequent… “attacks”.
This is the first time that I have been around someone when it’s happened. It doesn’t happen a lot, maybe once a month? (Maybe tied to hormone cycles?) I also had chicken baked in lemon. Does lemon have the same effect as grapefruit? I bought an orange out of season (read: expensive. $1 for just a stupid orange.) I wanted to eat it but I’m afraid to until I know. I had a grapefruit drink (it said it had grapefruit juice in it) when I was taking the higher dose, before I learned I wasn’t supposed to have it. It didn’t do anything. Any suggestions as to what is causing this would really help.
The build up:
I obsess over i’s. Lowercase ones. I don’t like it when the dot is circular. It needs to be square. I will stare and stare at these i’s trying to will them to behave.
My eyes feel like I want to go to sleep (kinda my body is cueing itself to go to sleep, but if the “attack” follows through I won’t be able to sleep, I’ll be wide awake).
I felt like I was being watched. I didn’t feel like there were people watching me with any sort of intent but I felt like some group I couldn’t see was there. I felt really antsy, like I wanted to touch myself but I felt like there were people watching, so I just suffered through it.
Stuff got all 3D. Shadows made it look like the room was shaped differently than it was. It gave me something to focus on besides going to sleep and was kinda freaky. Kinda a where am I really? Kinda thing. It looked like (and was) my fiancee’s place, but the newly protruding walls freaked me out.
The brown ducks on the repeating wallpaper in the bathroom (the ones with the brown eyes) looked like their eyes were cameras. It made it hard to pee. I felt like I was on camera.
And here is the very worst part:
I started a delusion about C (my fiancee). I started thinking (though the reasoning part of my brain knew he was C) that he was N (my ex). C knew I didn’t feel good and wanted to cuddle and stuff. I couldn’t look at him and I didn’t want anything intimate because C has been hurt before and I have never been sick enough that “I thought he was you” would be a real excuse. So although he looked like C, sounded like C, and used the same words/ expressions as C, I was afraid that I would be holding him and he would morph into N. Part of my brain was yelling out that it was C and it was a good thing. Every other part of me was in doubt. The reasonable part of my brain was just barely restraining me from making wild accusations. It was trying to make me call up N to hear his voice and compare it with C to make sure it was C.
That last part (about C) is the only new thing. When it happens in my dorm room I’m alone. I shun everyone who comes to see me because I am afraid they aren’t who they say they are and that they will tell lies about me if they see me like this. Maybe it isn’t worse on the lower dose? Maybe it just had the opportunity to get there?
I feel better now (I had a little sleep. That always fixes it) and I explained what happened to C. He was very understanding. But I wonder, why didn’t this happen with my Mom? The last time this happened I facetimed (kinda like skype) with my Mom. I had no doubt she was Mom. I wasn’t deluded into thinking she was tricking me or anything. Does that mean it was worse this time or do you just know when it’s your Mom?
Please help! I don’t know what’s going on!