Was i ever me?

I get a bit confused sometimes, was that me or them?

A thought or feeling, who was it?

And was i ever really me? Were they always there?

“How long were you there?” I ask.

“The entire time, not technically every second of the day your entire life, but yes as far back as you can remember we were there. We spoke with you inside sometimes but you didn’t seem to notice, as children normally do, you just kept on playing didn’t you. Do you remember sleepwalking? They all told you about it, a bit strange wouldn’t you say with all of the information that you have been given up till now.” They say.

“Do you remember us in the hallway that night, we woke you up that night intentionally and made noises, we walked back and forth. Other things happened as well that you can’t remember, sound like a movie that you watched? memory problems for some strange reason? You remember us at the house out in the country, nice house and every thing, but we were there during that time as well.” They say.

“Yes, i remember you in the hallways, and walking in the room and making your prescence known while i befittingly played a damn video game about a haunting. Nice touch. And the strange sleep walking episodes in which i would do and say strange things. I also remember your dreams, you came as a wolf didn’t you.” I begrudgingly reply.

“Yes, we remember that as well, we do that yes. Like we told you, owls, wolf, deer. And what did we do in the dream? Remember, we began to eat you, we ate your feet. You know why we did that?” They say.

“Nope, maybe because you proverbially devour people, because we’re your food?” I ask.

“Yes.” They answer. “Have you looked at your feet lately?”

“Thats what you meant? I was a ■■■■■■■ kid. You run into a kid’s flooded living room in a visionary dream and tell him you are going to eat him?” I say.

“Yeah, we’re not nice. People don’t want to know what we do to their children. Most of them we assimilate, we make them dark, some of the others we “eat”, it’s not literal though, only people do that literally.” They say.

“You would have been like them you know, had this not happened you would have been just like them, but now you really really know certain things don’t you. Given the chance you’d never do wrong again, because you know what wrong really is and what it does, the others don’t know you must remember, they live in fantasy, darkness of perception. Like the greedy, they just never went without really, the ones who are subject to them learn to despise greed because they know it, false perceptions, perceptions they defend until the day comes when they are without, then they know.” They say.

“You there then for quite some time, was i ever myself? Hard to tell who i even am at this point, everything is crossed, my thoughts and your thoughts, when were you not there?” I ask.

“You were never conscious without us, it wasn’t every second, but we had an eye on you. And we decided to clue you in from an early time, we didn’t have to do that you know, some of the others don’t get that at all.” They say.

“I would have preferred to not know, i may have been able to be happy then. a disease i can deal with, this ■■■■, no chance.” I say.

“Knowing wouldn’t have made much of a difference, it would feel the same. We were there the whole time.” They say. “really, you were never really only you inside.”

“(interrupting thoughts)Why feel so selfless, you are being destroyed, why only think about wrongs and how to make amends? Look at yourself, you are going to die soon and still thinking about ■■■■ you’ve done wrong. Thats your only goddamn reason for asking if we were always there? You want to know how we were involved and when in your life? Yeah, we nurtured things, a suggestion here or a push in certain directions there, what the hell do you think we were doing, helping you?! Perhaps, we’re not saying either way, someone suggested that you go down that hill on your bike and crack your skull and knock yourself out. Yes we remember that.” They say.

“Well, did you get me to hurt myself or not?” I ask.

“We suggested to you one certain thing for awhile, suicide, you were funny though. You had no idea it was us and even though you were feeling it it made absolutely no sense to you at all. You might as well have known at the time because even though you didn’t know you still kind of knew, you knew it wasn’t of yourself and were confused at the idea and thoughts and feelings.” They say.

“Holy ■■■■. This is so stupid and shitty, i can’t express how much i hate this ■■■■.” I reply to end the conversation.

This is the ■■■■ im dealing with.

I’ve heard it said that when someone commits suicide, they think they are killing someone else, an enemy who got inside.

pans, u really need to try some different meds. y live with this torture? try as many as u can. what have u got to lose? sending hugs xxx


Yeah , constantly talking with them will only fuel it . Try some more meds I agree