Want to read a scary list of what I've been through?

I setup a webpage that describes “schizophrenic” torture, and lists what I went through for over 3 years. Normal people may have a hard time understanding some of what I wrote, but I hope at least one or two of you can manage to read a good portion of this page and leave a comment. I know that even among schizophrenics my experiences are uniquely my own.

Right now I’m just really desperate for people to talk to that won’t give a crap if I’m a freak or not.

I just set the website up last night so there are only a couple posts there. Though I also link back a bunch to another blog I was previously writing to cope with hearing voices.

Good Christ man, that’s a long list.

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Read some of it, sounds like the runaway psychosis train was in full effect

I don’t think your a freak, psychosis is a freaky state of mind to be in though. Been there

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I know of “j” (not that I want to),
Much to long for me to read, but I understand a lot of it, although I’m a girl, it happens to a lot of people.

Ah yes I remember reading your story a while back.

Even if we do go through a lot of horrible, awful stuff, you have to admit it has made life way more interesting for us than others. Ages you real fast though.

The best thing you can do is use all those awful events as motivation to stay on the path to recovery.

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More interesting in a bad way from my perspective. As I get better time seems to be moving faster. Less emphasis on the moment. Maybe having life seem longer is a good thing… I don’t know when it’s full of torture. Back when I believed in the soul and stuff I thought we were sent here to gain experience until we were ready to assimilate and become agents of the god mind. Maybe sz has something to do with that. I do invite a little torture and turmoil in when I get bored… I’m beginning to rant. This is a good thing, my monologue is coming back. Goodbye introspective judgement hello rational analysis of the self the world and what may ly beyond.

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That sounds eerily similar to my beliefs, with the whole god mind assimilation thing…in fact that’s EXACTLY what I believed…right now I’m in belief limbo, not sure of anything, which is nightmarish to me because it’s like my brain can’t rest until it has some explanation about existence.

And yeah I’m not saying it’s been a fun ride, but whew. Would provide unique autobiography material, that’s all I’m saying.

Well as far as beliefs go I’d say that ultimately it is what it is. It being the universe. It remains a mystery, although less mysterious then it used to be. There are things we will never know. Humanity might figure these things out in the long run, but not in our lives. Beliefs are a rock to stand upon and can bring peace and purpose to the void of pointless nothingness. You are free to believe whatever you will, just respect that and hold no one to your beliefs.

I for one chose to believe in the material and reject the ethereal.

It is pompous to chose a religion and believe it is the ultimate truth, and ignorant to write them off.

Although I do write them off. Maybe if they made more sense.

I like thinking it’s as simple as inanimate infinite chaos, where consciousness is a minute beautiful feature not the underlying mechanism of the framework. The verse is to solid and consistent for there to be any real intervention. God only knows if there is a god.

Yeah it’s like I know that I’ll never know in my life and that thought has actually pained me so much that I’ve mused over dying just to find out the truth. I’m someone who has a lot of trouble with not knowing things. Thank the lord I was born in the era of google.

I always tell myself that my beliefs are my beliefs, and they’re prone to change, and liable to be wrong in the end. If they are I’ll accept it with good graces. (Unless nothing happens after death, in which case it wouldn’t really matter anyways!)

I wish religions did that -.- Accepted there’s no way to know for 100% what’s going to happen. Ah well. Gives them comfort.

Anyways didn’t mean to divert topic of thread, whoops sorry.

Thanks for your replies guys… I know it’s a bit lengthy. I wrote it several months ago, trying to remember all the crazy ■■■■ that had been done to me. The electrical poles stick out in my mind as the most frequent bad thing that happened to me. Don’t know anybody who can relate.

I wasn’t going to publish it but it bugged me that I couldn’t find anything like it on the internet. I am a person that has been ■■■■■■ with, and I have tried to find others like me but to no avail.

I just hope that somebody finds something I have written someday and feels a little less freakish knowing that somebody else has been through a hell that they may relate to.

I had the voice of God putting bolts of electricity into my body numerous times. He would tell me to go lay down on my bed to prepare for the “Anointing” or “THE POWER” aka electric bolts

I would literally feel it coarsing through my whole body in a pulse motion stronger and stronger until my muscles would be twitching and arms and legs spasming , then I would just see purple light it was really strange.

Did I believe it was real? Oh ■■■■ yeah , it took me 3 years to deconstruct that ■■■■ and come to the conclusion it is just all in my head and the biproduct of a malfunctioning mind

I relate to some of it, but in my experience it has all boiled down to my subconscious expression of fear in a chaotic world. In other words it was all in my head. I’m sorry if you believe that people are actually doing this/ did this to you. I’ve spent some time in that place and it got me no where in recovery it only prolonged the psychosis. Man ■■■■ schizophrenia.

Yeah i’ve had some of that, maybe more, i don’t know your lingo and you don’t know mine, we may all be saying the same things but don’t know it.

Yeah, we’re being ■■■■■■ with in the mind right?!

I get some of what you are saying but you should say it different. Some of that sounds like when my legs were shutting down from malnourishment and walking so long during psychosis, so when this guy showed up and helped me out they said my blood was being drained from my legs.

We just say it different thats all, i could have said “my blood was drained from my legs by a guy in the back seat” but maybe i should say “they made my mind think my blood was being drained from my legs by the man in the back seat, my legs were hurting very badly and they used this to freak me out in this manner.”

I had the witch thing to, but my experience wasn’t merely a thought or communication, this guy was sitting directly in front of me and caused a visual hallucination while reciting some dark poetry he wrote, this was a short time after seeing pan. See, i have an idea where you are coming from in your website but you speak different and use different words and things.

Yeah, we’re being ■■■■■■ with alright, it’s total ■■■■■■■■. This is one bad bad world isn’t it.

The electric vibration that they tried to stop my heart with…Yeah, I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs while they just sat there and grinned at my pain.
You think I’d want to forget that, but that is one thing that I recall very vividly to this day. Brrrrrrr.
Anyone get that electric noise that makes you drop into sleep to quick, no matter the time, place or day?

Never heard a noise but during my second psychosis a shadow person jumped into my field of vision and while i looked they put me to sleep, i just passed out all of a sudden.

Later i found out that shaman at times have this capability to make people be in a deep sleep, for operations and stuff. No anasthesia or anything, the people don’t feel a thing either.

I’ve been shocked also. Although very painful it didn’t last long, a detailed fanged face appeared when it happened, it grinned.

I think i read something about shocking sensations in your writing.

It took a bit… but I just got through it.

Some of it… a bit scary… all to fresh in the memory.
the tactile hallucinations used to be bad. So glad those have lessened. Still with me… but not as strong.

Feeling like I’ve been made to do things via remote control… or that my soul was lifted out of my body… or having thoughts beamed into my head… so glad I’ve found a way to get over those.

Sorry you’ve had to fight through all this. I hope you find some peace.

Was a doctor or somebody able to explain how your brain generated that? Cause I am still sold that people/non-people can electrically screw with your body from a distance. For me I saw electric poles and wires coiled around my body. I didn’t think anybody could do that without an actual electric pole so I wrote the FBI. Didn’t do me any good, but I wanted somebody to know that “multi-dimensional pole rape” was real.

I think you are onto something though.

There are numerous multi dimensional happenings that we could not even imagine at this point.

You or i of course can’t know at this point but you might be onto something.

Thanks for reading all that. To me it’s a way to not forget what happened to me, while still getting on with my life. On paper I don’t have to think about those things anymore (or at least as much).