The other day, Starlet told me he’s just waiting for something terrible to happen to him. He said things have been going well for way too long, and that’s not how his life works.
I can relate. I grew up in an abusive house, got a brain tumor, lost my dad, had to drop out of school to raise my siblings, lost my dream job to schizophrenia, and became homeless, all within a very short period of time. I’ve been in recovery for six years, and I’m still on edge thinking about how everything could go wrong.
I told him the feeling fades over time, but I don’t think it ever goes away. He said that wasn’t reassuring. But I think it would be worse to lie to him.
I feel that way too. I’m due for something else to go wrong. I’ve been lucky for so long, and now I feel like I’m just going to have an episode and lose it all. Things go wrong and that is part of life. It’s just a little harder for some of us.
I feel for you both, and everyone else dealing with this.
My anxiety makes me feel similarly. I’m just now getting a handle on how to stop that and the best advice I have right now (which isn’t saying much) is to be as present as you can for a little bit each day, preferably when you have time to really reflect on your situation. I keep hammering it into my head that things are good NOW and I am capable of handling whatever is ahead - I’ve made it this far, after all.
If it makes you feel any better I lost my dream job too. And my apartment. And the orchestra I was a lead chair in. And my partner left me. But remember we rebuilt our lives and there is beauty in that. We can do it again.
I had several very stressful events happen to me in a short amount of time, and I became hypervigilant, as if it was my responsibility to “catch” the next bad thing before it happens.
The truth is that there are things that I can control, and there are things that I cannot control. I have limitations, so I have to accept uncertainty; and uncertainty is neither good or bad. I have to focus on what’s going on right now; what can I do to improve this moment.
What’s been revealed to me is that all of my anticipatory anxiety on things that I have no control over is useless and harmful to me–and it’s worse than the damn event happening.
This is me. My childhood and early adulthood were so horrible that I can’t quite believe that I deserve or will get to keep what I have now. I half expect to wake up one morning, discover that it was a dream and not real and that my life is still one big heap of suck, y’know? It’s almost like PTSD in a way.
I can empathize 100% with Starlet. I expect things to take a turn after they have been too well for a good stretch. Being sza a lot of things can take a digger. Having PTSD I worry about running into my abuser. I have more money now but what about when my car needs repairs. My dad and mom and grandparents aren’t going to be around forever. Oliver is my friend but he gets fed too much. Like @anon17132524 said there are things we can control and things we can’t. We can easily spend time worrying about the future but the present is going to be gone in an instant.
My solution. I enjoy the small things while I can and these things are just for me. I love a good cigar once in a while. I like to try new foods. I go birdwatching. I love to read. I practice gratitude for the small things I have. I avoid the news. I do my best to sleep well.
I can tell you I’ve burned people like my mom and grandparents out by constantly asking for reassurance. But they have just about as much to gain or lose as I do despite our vastly different financial and moral concerns.
Has Starlet opened up on some of his dreams or ambitions or hopes? You are obviously doing something right because now he is afraid of losing you and Mr. Star. Does Starlet read? Look into the philosophy of the Stoics. Too much time in front of the TV? Maybe plant a flower.
I’m sorry Starlet has these feelings…I don’t anticipate tragedies but I am somewhat always nervous way back in my mind of things going awry…I have no advice…I think you did the right thing telling him the truth about it never going away…poor thing.
I’ve had one thing after another bad happen to me my whole life since I was a little kid plus I’m a screw up so…
It just happens to some people.
Your boy probably is used to being treated badly. Do you know how long you’ll be able to keep him?
@ThePickinSkunk he talks a lot about wanting to become an engineer, but when he is learning something new he gets easily frustrated and says he might as well just drop out. He does stick with it anyways, and figures it out. He’s not much of a TV person, and he loves nonfiction books. We are trying to introduce him to novels, but he really prefers technical manuals. ADHD all the way with that kid and his hyperfixations.
@Loke I don’t want to jinx it, but we have been labeled his preadoptive home and we have a court date coming up where the judge will hopefully change his case goal from reunification to adoption. There are some concerns that the judge will drag it out for a long time.
There are colleges that are geared to kids with ADHD. My daughter’s psychiatrist gave me a list but I don’t have it anymore but you can probably google it. I don’t know if it was the adhd but my daughter really struggled in school
He loves legos, but prefers computer-based building games. Lots of Minecraft and puzzle games. And jigsaw puzzles.
I don’t have any reservations at all. I’ve known he was my kid since the first hour talking to him. I’m not a big believer in fate, or everything happening for a reason, but like, maybe now I am a little bit? Because the chance of this all happening by coincidence is so low.