Schizophrenia.com

Voices telling me I'm already dead

Does anyone else ever wonder if they’re truly alive? I don’t mean in a philosophical since either. See I have this unusual belief that I may not have actually survived my birth. I mean, I was born two months premature back in 1981, and almost died during that time. I was in the hospital for months and even read my last rights and baptized before I left the hospital.

(Usually baptisms aren’t until later on when the baby is a few months old, I was born into a Catholic family, and baptisms happen while you’re still a baby, this is why they say --in my religion-- all children go to Heaven because the children are baptized and do not fully know sin yet; and while I don’t attend Church like I should it’s the religion I relate to the most). But I don’t really want a religious topic right now, it has nothing to do with that.

I often wonder if this is my hell, or my purgatory. Because the voices try to convince me that I did not survive that time as a premature baby. But I know this this wrong, you’re not supposed to age in death…even in hell. And it’s probably more self-centered because why would everyone else around here not connected to my family be here. Why would I have to take these medications? Why? Why to so many things…

I know this is delusional thinking, but it is one that is constantly plaguing my head. I was just wondering if anyone else out there ever felt this way.

I have NOT had this one. But I do know you are not the only one on this forum struggling with this one. I’m sorry it’s hitting you.

I bet it’s confusing at best. I have a feeling there is a bit of sneaky brained thinking with this…

Hang in there and keep taking the meds. It’s not easy I know, but I’m hoping you can keep fighting this one.

Good luck and I’m rooting for you.

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I had taken my medication for the night before I posted this comment, it’s a recurring thought for me though. It is confusing, but I keep telling myself if I were dead I wouldn’t keep aging. I guess though there is a small part of me that wishes I wouldn’t have made it through that premature child birth. Thinking how much easier it would have been for me anyway, even though I know how selfish that sounds. I know it would have been harder on my parents. Especially with my mom’s family because there is a long history of miscarriages with that side of the family. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal but sometimes I sit think how easier it would be, to not feel all this pain and go through all this suffering.

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I did the same thing without medication. I tried to commit suicide 3 years ago and sometimes I wonder if I really died and that this is my way of punishing myself for my errors.

Yeah I can relate to that. This certainly feels like a hell a times.

I believe this is called Cotard’s Delusion. Have you experienced any neurological trauma such as a nasty concussion or worse?

Well when I was younger possibly, I remember riding my bike with some friends and lost control and flipped over the handle bars and got banged up really bad, dented my nose, bruised my knee…haven’t gotten on a bicycle since then. Recently though nothing traumatic has happened physically.

I did some reading Cotard’s delusion and it’s not an experience like that. It’s more like spiritual kind of dead-ness I guess.Not the kind of dead body like Walking Dead, dead.