It’s something I started referring to as the source of my voices… some weird mashup of neural networks throughout my cerebral cortex centered around the areas that are reserved for lingual synthesis and analysis and the very closely located auditory processing area…
I gave the SZ a pretty face in my head. I also have the internal telepathy phenomenon where thoughts of others generates an involuntary emotional response which is just a hypothetical expectation of what they might think of this thought or that or this or that feeling.
The nature of my schizophrenia is that it has to have a constant presence in my mental experience. Hallucinations of telepathy, voices from beyond the veil, this omniscient whisper, the internal telepathy thing…
The only one that I could ever make consistently nice was this internal telepathy thing. Finally found someone I could trust and was concerned enough to think about intently for long enough that it became sort of naturally recurring thing to balance out the SZ’s need for maintaining a hallucinatory threshold.
As I continue to just let this “V” I call it, or virtual person, reassure me I’m alright and I’m not alone against the really ■■■■■■■ evil voices… interesting things have been happening. Voices are blurring together and not really knowing what to say… it’s all a GD mess still but it is getting better.
I’m having a very rewarding week so far, basically have my car fixed up aside from a timing belt replacement due in 1500 miles… Got my bike repaired. Fixing my airbed tomorrow. Bought a few books to start reading. Thursday I’ll be repairing my vacuum cleaner… Everything back on the level.
Shaved and buzzed up today… also bought a pack of cigarettes and that kind of sucks, but I couldn’t just quit cold turkey and ran out of my typical tobacco without being able to get more… will be switching back when tomorrow.
Gotta get back into my exercise routine and get my sleep schedule straightened out… though I’ve slept 24 out of the last 48 hours. Not having a bed ■■■■■■ me up real bad in that regard. Now I’m well rested and just out of sync.
Taking my GABA and 5HTP… Already done just about all I can do for this month… but finally no more engine error codes… My apartment will be restored to as well maintained as it can be. Also got a couple rotary spice racks for 10$ each to help keep the spice/supplement mess organized…
On top of that I sit here and my desire to give the illness any weight at all is fading… Being around people isn’t as traumatic… I have periods where I feel I actually have mental privacy… and periods where I actually exit the delusional state of every validating it as real. Directly challenging my misinterpretations of what others are saying… and really trying to unwind the need for those statements to exist… Destroying the relevance of the persecution complex itself more and more frequently… not giving a ■■■■ about anything these voices harass me about and not even thinking about that stuff on my own any more…
Just checking in and signing out. Take care y’all… I’ll be around.