I am sick of being depressed. I can’t find a thing to hold my interest, all this technology and I am stuck looking for a purpose of it all. I spend most of my days now looking at a phone screen after 5 years of purposefully boycotting smartphones. But here I am trying to reach out using one. stupid.
I am sick of being alone. I want interaction with a female. I can’t think of anything to talk about and don’t know how to begin conversation or even how to meet someone. Tinder, Bumble, Match all are uninteresting to me, I have like half of the drive I need to have to meet girls and have almost no social skills to do anything if I did meet them.
I am sick of forcing myself to do everything. I want to feel again and wish I was normal or at least whatever I was 3 years ago before I started losing it. I want that spark I had in me back but it has to be gone.
I don’t want to go on a walk with my dad now, I always walk every night the weather allows and I’m not in the mood, I just want to lay.
I could keep complaining but that doesn’t change anything but maybe I need to complain. I hate that I can’t say censored words. ■■■■ that ■■■■ I don’t want to see ■■■■■■■ black blocks when I’m not saying ■■■■. ■■■■ schizophrenia and ■■■■ depression and ■■■■ having to live like this with my mind not functioning properly. It’s all in my head and ■■■■ that ■■■■.
Yeah…
■■■■ everybody who left me, while watching me going deep in this ■■■■■■■ illness… They were all ■■■■■■■ bastards… ■■■■ them all, I didn’t deserve to remain so lonely for 25 years… ■■■■ them all who judged me… It wasn’t them who couldn’t get up from the bed even when I was 10 years old, watching the others having all their energy and mind… ■■■■ my screwed up parents who maltreated me… They made of me a zombie with no freedom, not even a brunch of spoilness while all the others were the princes and the princesses… ■■■■ my fears. ■■■■ my grip to suffering, while I don’t even realize anymore, that its not how somebody should live… ■■■■ the whole world, who turned bad, cause I see more and more people in pain… and mostly, ■■■■ my loneliness, yeap…
I hope I don’t vent too much, sorry… @brandotron, maybe you cant feel still, cause you are on meds, you know? I find for me, that I couldn’t feel because of the meds… Sometimes it takes longer to feel something…maybe years…
well, I have so many ■■■■■■ but whatever… I want to cry and even this, I cant sometimes…
hardly anybody understands my illness. when I was in my psychotic episode my friends abandoned me and I hated myself because of it, I thought everyone was going to abandon me including my family and I would cry endlessly.
now that I’m out of my psychosis and stable on medication most everyone in my life expects me to be perfectly okay and functional but they don’t understand that my meds aren’t addressing my negative symptoms so I have such a lack of motivation that I can barely do anything and I don’t enjoy things the way I used to anyway so what’s the ■■■■■■■ point really.
I’m tired of being called lazy for struggling with my negative symptoms, it honestly makes me feel suicidal because it makes me hate myself and think I’m doing something wrong when they don’t understand that I’m suffering everyday by not being able to experience life the way others do. I’m still trying to ■■■■■■■ recover, sure hallucinations and delusions tend to be the things people notice about schizophrenia but there are other symptoms so even though I’m no longer struggling much with positive symptoms I’m still suffering from something ■■■■■■■ debilitating
As a side vent, I wish I could know in advance when to take which sleep aid. Some days, I only need the OTC. Some days I need Lunesta. But I can’t take lunesta after taking my OTC, and I don’t know in advance when it won’t work for me.
I’m tired of allowing myself to be dominated - like have it your way, I don’t care. I have to be very careful when I speak up or I am called feisty. It’s like walking on eggshells around here. Also get the lecture “I do a lot for you.”
Normal people do too much, or at least people on Tinder and Bumble pretend to do too much stuff. This is what worries me about dating, my hobbies are basically non-existent. I am not in as bad of a mood today but that is probably because it is Friday and I get to see my kids.
