I’ve been up a long time now and I’ll admit that I’ve missed more than a few doses of medication lately. Things are getting fuzzy and I feel a lot of old sensations and thoughts returning. My girlfriend is guilt tripping me into taking the meds again. I know I need the meds, it’s just a complex situation right now. These symptoms are reassuring me of the need for me to take medication.
I’ll be starting them again in a few minutes, I keep staring at them, not sure what holds me back. Part of me wants to take them while another wants to just smash my head through my computer monitor. I’ll take the meds, it’s just a struggle right now.
There, I’ve taken them. Just need to do it again, and again, and again. Then I think I’ll feel better. Sometimes I’m such a dumbass.
As for my girlfriend, she’s most likely getting out of the hospital on Thursday. I can’t wait.
I think some part of you probably wanted confirmation that you really do need them, after you argued so forcefully in their favor just lately! So, that’s that discussion done and dusted, hopefully for the foreseeable future. Here’s hoping you feel well again soon.
I was often tempted to resume medication but for different reasons. When I came off the medication — it was impressed upon me that I was now fully responsible for my actions, my behavior, my health, and in particular, my sanity. That can be a very scary prospect — it was for me. It’s so much easier to shift blame or praise on medication for every life occurrence than to say “Well, things are not going well — it’s my fault. I am responsible for this. I must work to improve my situation.”
There is no scapegoat.
If I’m withdrawing into myself, it’s my fault, and I must do something to change it. I can’t blame medication or doctors or rely on dose adjustments. I must make the effort to change on my own.
I’m sure this doesn’t apply to every situation — but perhaps a second look at our inner motivation is warranted.
While your view might apply to someone, it doesn’t apply to pretty much anyone I’ve ever met with schizophrenia. People can’t just think or will or work their way out of schizophrenia. I’ve seen this too many times.
Nah, without meds I can’t concentrate worth a damn, my wind wanders, I get confused, and obsess about ridiculous things that aren’t real. When I’m on meds it definitely helps keep me together. Plus I’m not wanting to die or worse.