Up too long

I’ve been up a long time now and I’ll admit that I’ve missed more than a few doses of medication lately. Things are getting fuzzy and I feel a lot of old sensations and thoughts returning. My girlfriend is guilt tripping me into taking the meds again. I know I need the meds, it’s just a complex situation right now. These symptoms are reassuring me of the need for me to take medication.

I’ll be starting them again in a few minutes, I keep staring at them, not sure what holds me back. Part of me wants to take them while another wants to just smash my head through my computer monitor. I’ll take the meds, it’s just a struggle right now.

There, I’ve taken them. Just need to do it again, and again, and again. Then I think I’ll feel better. Sometimes I’m such a dumbass.

As for my girlfriend, she’s most likely getting out of the hospital on Thursday. :slight_smile: I can’t wait.


Congrats on this Malvok - I am glad for you guys

glad your girl gets out soon.

I hope you feel better soon as well. I know it seems little… but there are times when actually taking the meds takes every ounce of strength… congratulations on getting that out of the way.

It’s hard sometimes… your not the only one who looks at the pills and hesitates… deeply.

Very love / hate relationship with the meds.

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I hope you get some sleep and are well rested for when your GF gets out of the hospital.


I took them today, will take them tomorrow. Not exactly sure why I went off them, started with just forgetting, then intentionally putting them off till I forgot, then just ignoring them.

Yeah, you don’t want to risk a relapse.

I don’t want a relapse. I’m already drained and weary, feeling dirty and corrupt. I don’t want to end up in the hospital or dead.

I know that person, I don’t want to be him.


I think some part of you probably wanted confirmation that you really do need them, after you argued so forcefully in their favor just lately! So, that’s that discussion done and dusted, hopefully for the foreseeable future. Here’s hoping you feel well again soon.

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I was often tempted to resume medication but for different reasons. When I came off the medication — it was impressed upon me that I was now fully responsible for my actions, my behavior, my health, and in particular, my sanity. That can be a very scary prospect — it was for me. It’s so much easier to shift blame or praise on medication for every life occurrence than to say “Well, things are not going well — it’s my fault. I am responsible for this. I must work to improve my situation.”

There is no scapegoat.

If I’m withdrawing into myself, it’s my fault, and I must do something to change it. I can’t blame medication or doctors or rely on dose adjustments. I must make the effort to change on my own.

I’m sure this doesn’t apply to every situation — but perhaps a second look at our inner motivation is warranted.

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That’s why I take medication.

While your view might apply to someone, it doesn’t apply to pretty much anyone I’ve ever met with schizophrenia. People can’t just think or will or work their way out of schizophrenia. I’ve seen this too many times.


Consider it an introspective observation. :wink:

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There was a time when I was quite good at first person shooters. In the days of Quake 2 I was in my prime. These days I’m terrible at them. It’s not even funny.

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Nah, without meds I can’t concentrate worth a damn, my wind wanders, I get confused, and obsess about ridiculous things that aren’t real. When I’m on meds it definitely helps keep me together. Plus I’m not wanting to die or worse.