I ■■■■■■ up. Couldnt stay away from drugs. I’m having symptoms. I’m doing a bit better now writing this.
My religious colleague triggered me… I told him about my psychosis etc (word of advise keep this to yourself @ work, colleagues dont need to know).
He thinks they (the voices etc) are evil spirits. Powered by the devil… Not that I believe him, but a tiny tiny part of me started doubting. This colleague watches alot of crime type documentaries. And is obsessed by killers and he sees the devil as his enemy and the root of evil. And he keeps talking to me about serial killers etc. I dont mind usually but he also told me about some kid who murdered and ate people alive due to psychosis and drugs. This didnt trigger me at first, it was a bit of a stab but I was fine.
But today he said it again, and told me the devil works in steps. First he whispers in your ear, then you murder and or kill yourself. Then he told me it ends with killing yourself, if you dont stop. I think he is trying to scare me into believing. He knows I tried to off myself due to psychosis. He didnt know I had command hallucinations and nearly got ultra-violent.
I had a dream that he was a psychopath. Maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something… Maybe it’s bogus, overal he is a nice guy and we get along well or I wouldn’t have told him about my problems… Usually I have good judgement abt these things. He keeps it to himself though…
As for the symptoms, yesterday I had paranoia about being hacked, because some of my fb messenger contacts where in negative colour and on there profile it wasn’t. The people in negative colour where all linked through a friend group (bs it’s a small world realized now). My fb name used to be related to light and darkness so this made it extra creepy (this was a big theme in my psychosis -that I had linked my personality to light and darkness and had forced the people to think about me when thinking about this ie ruining words for them)
One of the negative colour images was a girl I liked and she had blocked me (talked to a friend she might’ve deleted her profile)…
And there were searches in my fb wich I didnt remember making, that lead me on a little trip with a big coincidence. Had me linking up stuff that doesnt go together. With a little hacker story added. So I called a friend who has sensitivity to psychosis as well. And talking about it made me realize it’s all ■■■■■■■■.
Today I had a minor panick attack on my way back from work. I also occasionaly hear my thoughts switching voices. Like saying it in an other persons voice/words sometimes this happens uncontrollably. Other times it’s more on the forced side trying to guess there inner state if you know what I mean…
Then there is the 3th eye stuff. I have visualization skills on a plane above normal vision. This was closed due to the meds for a while. Now I see what I’ve been doing during the day for example seeing vegetables (I work on a farm) or other times it’s faces of people I know and am thinking about. This is very short and mild (the other plane has very high opacity). I can also control this plane with creating symbols and sending them around, or imagining something and visualizing it. I know it’s all in my head and I tripped and smoked way to much on a developing brain. None of that magic or nanotech beliefs like before. Just mild symptoms that I know are fake.
I also have vivid memories abt my last psychosis not visual.
I wonder what you guys think about the colleague? I know what you think about the drugs. I’m feeling guilty abt it, that I can ruin my life for good this time when everything is going so good in my life rn. Living by myself, working, good social life etc. But the damn thing has got me hooked, I don’t even understand it 30 mins ago I was like I quit… Now it’s already shifting again. And when I’ve forgot all about yesterday and today. I’ll be right back at it. FUNK!
Srry for the vent, thanks if you have feedback. But I feel calm now after the little panic attack. I am still on my meds fyi.