Schizophrenia.com

[unsafe, triggers, vent] Symptoms -code orange- 3th eye opening slowly

Hi,

I ■■■■■■ up. Couldnt stay away from drugs. I’m having symptoms. I’m doing a bit better now writing this.

My religious colleague triggered me… I told him about my psychosis etc (word of advise keep this to yourself @ work, colleagues dont need to know).

He thinks they (the voices etc) are evil spirits. Powered by the devil… Not that I believe him, but a tiny tiny part of me started doubting. This colleague watches alot of crime type documentaries. And is obsessed by killers and he sees the devil as his enemy and the root of evil. And he keeps talking to me about serial killers etc. I dont mind usually but he also told me about some kid who murdered and ate people alive due to psychosis and drugs. This didnt trigger me at first, it was a bit of a stab but I was fine.

But today he said it again, and told me the devil works in steps. First he whispers in your ear, then you murder and or kill yourself. Then he told me it ends with killing yourself, if you dont stop. I think he is trying to scare me into believing. He knows I tried to off myself due to psychosis. He didnt know I had command hallucinations and nearly got ultra-violent.

I had a dream that he was a psychopath. Maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something… Maybe it’s bogus, overal he is a nice guy and we get along well or I wouldn’t have told him about my problems… Usually I have good judgement abt these things. He keeps it to himself though…

As for the symptoms, yesterday I had paranoia about being hacked, because some of my fb messenger contacts where in negative colour and on there profile it wasn’t. The people in negative colour where all linked through a friend group (bs it’s a small world realized now). My fb name used to be related to light and darkness so this made it extra creepy (this was a big theme in my psychosis -that I had linked my personality to light and darkness and had forced the people to think about me when thinking about this ie ruining words for them)

One of the negative colour images was a girl I liked and she had blocked me (talked to a friend she might’ve deleted her profile)…

And there were searches in my fb wich I didnt remember making, that lead me on a little trip with a big coincidence. Had me linking up stuff that doesnt go together. With a little hacker story added. So I called a friend who has sensitivity to psychosis as well. And talking about it made me realize it’s all ■■■■■■■■.

Today I had a minor panick attack on my way back from work. I also occasionaly hear my thoughts switching voices. Like saying it in an other persons voice/words sometimes this happens uncontrollably. Other times it’s more on the forced side trying to guess there inner state if you know what I mean…

Then there is the 3th eye stuff. I have visualization skills on a plane above normal vision. This was closed due to the meds for a while. Now I see what I’ve been doing during the day for example seeing vegetables (I work on a farm) or other times it’s faces of people I know and am thinking about. This is very short and mild (the other plane has very high opacity). I can also control this plane with creating symbols and sending them around, or imagining something and visualizing it. I know it’s all in my head and I tripped and smoked way to much on a developing brain. None of that magic or nanotech beliefs like before. Just mild symptoms that I know are fake.

I also have vivid memories abt my last psychosis not visual.

I wonder what you guys think about the colleague? I know what you think about the drugs. I’m feeling guilty abt it, that I can ruin my life for good this time when everything is going so good in my life rn. Living by myself, working, good social life etc. But the damn thing has got me hooked, I don’t even understand it 30 mins ago I was like I quit… Now it’s already shifting again. And when I’ve forgot all about yesterday and today. I’ll be right back at it. FUNK!

Srry for the vent, thanks if you have feedback. But I feel calm now after the little panic attack. I am still on my meds fyi.

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One of my voices is Lucifer
who wants me to kill and die.

Hey ohm how are you doing?I was wondering abt you one day… I hope I didnt set you off to much :upside_down_face:

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Wassup @Marbles

Was it weed, lsd, shrooms, opiates or what

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You need to stay away from that coworker.

In addition to being wrong,

Their ideas are dangerous for you.

I don’t know what drugs you’re on, but whatever it is is super not helping.

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It seems very insensitive on your co-workers part. Maybe they meant no harm, and just didn’t realize, but you might mention to them how it affects you

Glad to hear you have your feet back on the ground

I think your colleague has his own issues. He uses Religion as a crutch, and doesn’t have a healthy mindset from what you say he watches crime/horror stuff. Those people I would likely avoid, religious extremism or bias is just not the type of people I talk to or get along with anymore. Sure i can tolerate these people to an extent, but they can be annoying or downright cruel. If he isn’t happy in his life he’s using religion and horror movies or whatever as a crutch for his miserable life, and trying to bring you down or make you feel miserable like him, sorry but it sounds more like he was bullying in a very passive aggressive way, and I struggle with knowing people’s intentions too. I think its part of the illness, its hard for me to know if someone means well or doesn’t, based on the evidence you presented–this person has done nothing but aggravate you and maybe distance yourself from them and get some clear head space.

My experience with people like this is they are easily encouraged. If it’s unhealthy for you to listen to these subjects, I would try not to ask questions or give feedback which might prompt more of the same dialog, and maybe try changing the topic. If that doesn’t work, I’d be straight forward and tell him it doesn’t help or encourage you to focus on bad or evil things. I’m sure he means well, but you know what that truly is.

I relapsed too. I say don’t feel guilty, you’ll just make the others feel better about being judgemental.

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Yeah thanks everyone. I try not to ask questions about religion anymore and avoid answering abt serial killerr type stuff.

Our conversations have now been reduced to moping bout the workplace. I cant avoid him since we have to work together a lot. Wish I could just plug my headphones and listen to music/podcasts but that’s a bit antisocial.

Most people at work are just whining the whole time. Ah guess I’ll have to train some thick skin. It’s been like that nearly everywhere I’ve worked…

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What drug if you dont mind me asking? Was it weed?

As for the coworker you should probably not talk to him about stuff like that anymore. Anything he will say will just encourage the delusion probably.

Hows your med situation

Mainly amphetamine sulphate (mix of dex and levo, street speed), a little bit of weed and once ketamine. I know bad stuff. But the amps have me pushing mountains or just having a great time. No symptoms on it either, wich I find mind boggling due to dopamine hypothesis. The weed has me feeling plain awfull with symptoms, dont understand how I still get tempted??? and the k was a one time mistake no symptoms though.

Meds is 15 mg of abilify

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Damn man those were what I did basically. I got real into ketamine at one point and it made my world very small and cold. But it was an interesting cold so I liked it a lot, too much. Helped me quit binge drinking so that was a plus

Im on abilify also, its good but it gives me insomnia hence the weed

I wish I could stop but its hard

Ketamine is amazing for a ton of mental disorders. Ptsd, ocd, depression , anxiety, more things

At Yale they give it for schizophrenia even :man_shrugging:

I’d say amphetamines is a bigger issue. Unless you fell into a k hole which is extremely unlikely on 15 mg abilify unless you mixed it with the amps. It could have happened

But in my country they prescribe ketamine legally for many mental disorders. Just saying lol. It’s expensive tho so people often use the more dangerous street versions.

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I wouldn’t change friends; I would just set boundaries in the future.

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I wouldn’t see it as a panacea, they sold psychedelics to me in that way. And look where it got me… Godspeed tupac

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Who’s they??? Just curious. Your friends??? My bad.

Oregon has a pretty good system on paper imo. Flawless unless you’re from Oregon and I’m wrong?

I think everyone should be more like Oregon

But maybe I dunno enough .

Ketamine has been a god speed for me

I just think it’s dangerous to use recreationally. But I have been a daredevil. That said I think
It’s a medicine. And should be treated as such

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