Question to @mortimermouse,I know your a students with top results and a fitness/gym expert but can I ask you if there is anyone who pushes/motivate you(eg.parent/guardian)or do you motivate by yourself?one more question is,who do you live with?
@SurprisedJ,I really admire your feeling of “freedom” and “relaxed life” and I want to congratulate that you had a GF,take good care of her
No one tells me to do workout. People tell me to chill out on the gym thing.
My therapist reminds me that I am capable of making A’s, and that graduate school will be a better time in my life if/when I make it there. I am one of those students who actually is passionate about their major- I just have problems feeling motivated to do the work for classes which have nothing to do with psychology. I would be a better student in France, where you only take classes in your major.
My friends tell me that the working out is healthy to a degree but my workout buddies have even told me when to stop. Like yesterday, I had done about 200 reps total of different shoulder exercises and my buddy kept asking me how much I had left, hinting that I had done enough. The powerlifting got some serious slaps on the hand by some of my friends, they said if you have to wear a huge thick belt so your guts dont burst and if you have to wear knee supports, you shouldnt be doing it. They also told me not to sniff ammonia, but I did it anyways several times in order to break personal records. (ammonia isnt illegal, it is just frowned upon by doctors)
My maternal side has various influences- my grandparents, mother, uncle, they all expect excellent performance in school- however they have showed concern for too much working out, my uncle told me while I was on a competitive team that I was becoming consumed by it, which was true- he said that I was so many other titles before “powerlifter” and that title was not going to make me a better person. He was right, and I quit.
My friends are half geniuses, smarter than I am, and half not as smart. The ones who have done very well in school just speak with me as equals, especially the other psych majors, we sound like ducks quacking at each other when we talk psychology, using all of these proper psychological terms and then occasionally them asking me what my symptoms are like, which is interesting for me because I know a fair amount about schizophrenia, I studied it on my own out of class. I did graduate from an international school, and that was no easy task- it was hard, too hard to do again. Half of my friends are from there, hence half of them being (not kidding) true geniuses with IQ’s of over 135, and some having dropped out and now working and/or going to community college.
I live with my sister, who is 23 and engaged, she graduated last winter and finally got a job, she just walked out the door for work actually, my mom, who is not working, hasnt since I got on medication, for reasons I still dont understand, and my dad lives here and has been married to my mom for like I dont even know, a really long time.
I have a feeling my mom took on watching me recover as her full-time job. I have noticed that if I sit in the living room late, she does too, for example. She calls in my refills and goes to the pharmacy and cooks me dinner. When I was unmedicated, I had more energy, not bursts of energy like I do now, and I was more independent out of paranoia- I only liked to eat what I cooked, for example.
But to be much more concise:
I mostly motivate myself. After reading Elyn Sak’s memoir, I decided that I could win at school. I told myself that if John Nash and Elyn Saks did great things starting with exactly what I have, a free bachelor’s degree, so can I. The working out is mostly an outlet for anxiety and inappropriate emotions like rage, but sometimes I force myself to workout because I don’t feel like it at times. It is not a stable lifestyle and I have pushed myself a little dangerously hard before and paid the price by losing a couple marbles. I just put up with it because I may as well get a master’s in psychology, I want to master psychology, LOL
It sounds complex, but it’s simple- I do feel a lot of pain with this lifestyle and it is not a healthy one. In my opinion, only the very most stable, insightful, and intelligent schizophrenics should be full time students because it is hard even for normal people, for us it can be a trigger for psychosis.
But like I said, I am arrogant and masochistic. I take pride in doing what others are afraid or hesitant to do. I hope to one day be as big as my favorite bodybuilder and have a graduate degree, then I will rearrange the letters of my last name to spell “Pain”, as my last name is an anagram of the word “pain”. Maybe I will become Dr. Pain. LOL JK I just want to work with other schizos for a living. That and find someone who is able to handle my true self in a long term relationship, someone who could not be scared.
But yeah…my life sucks sometimes…I am not always happy being a student, reading literature for hours makes me want to pillage a village and class discussions on literature make me feel like I want to burn books. History classes make me want to become a dictator and ban the teaching of history. Foreign langauages me me want to embargo the nations in which the language is spoken. Advanced, pretentious math makes me want to shove a pencil in my eye. But science, now that is some useful information! Yesterday I was given an assignment in a psychology class to make a field study of the academic advising center, then I presented my study to the class and got a 100. I can do that all day every day. I didnt even feel anxious about it, I was like “this data was observed, and x can be inferred” it just makes sense and there is a correct or incorrect answer.
One thing to make clear: I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL. I chose to do things which jeopardize my sanity and I sometimes lose my mind when I bite off more than I can chew. I may be very highly functioning, but it is perhaps too highly functioning, suspiciously highly functioning, like “is he taking his meds?” that sort of functioning. Then some days, when papers are already done, exams arent for a while, and I am not stressed…I fall the f-k to sleep at the desk.
I just decide that I want to embrace schizophrenia as a challenge and to be an oxymoron and walking contradiction by getting degrees in psychology. That is what I want. My friends have noted something scary about me- on separate occasions, different friends have told me that I actually do whatever I put my mind to. When I was 15, I said I wanted to apply to an international high school, and my parents laughed and said I wouldnt even get accepted. I aced the entrance exam and they took me in two seconds. When I was 16 I said I wanted to get muscular and big. Everyone laughed, then I was the biggest kid in my school by the time I was a senior. I said I wanted to learn how to fight, everyone laughed, three diplomas in Krav Maga later…I said I was going to get a full ride to college, and I got one…I said I wanted to become a powerlifter, and guess what I did…I said I wanted to lose my virginity, and guess what I did…(became a slut)…I am saying I want to get a graduate degree in psychology BECAUSE I am schizophrenic…place your bets.
I get angry at challenges and truly wake up when I am challenged or told that I will fail. Whenever a professor begins a class with “Most of you will fail” I just get quietly irate. I’ve experienced years of a waking nightmare and made A’s and B’s in that psychotic state. Now I am on medication and am not psychotic most of the time. It just pisses me off.
If you can’t tell, I have issues which I make work to my advantage. That is why I say that I am NOT A ROLE MODEL, I am disturbed and I enjoy it, it works for me.
Now I have to fully understand Kantian Deontology and how it applies to American physicians, among other things…this sort of stuff would make a lot of you even more psychotic, which is why I always say that university is not a good place for the average schizophrenic.
@Mobc1990 I get the impression that you would like to be me. You don’t want to be me. I am cursed with negative, competitive, destructive impulses which I sublimate into my achievements. I know exactly what I am doing, like a psychiatrist with a drug addiction, I know enough about the psyche to know that what I do with my mind is not exactly kosher. I don’t know how to put it other than “not kosher”, as that is what my psychiatrist says.
Elyn Saks already said enough- she said to find the life that is right for you. For me, sublimating defects and psychosis into real world achievements is the right life for me. After every semester, I swell up with pride and become more arrogant. It suits me well. I look in the mirror and see a body that reflects my personality- brutal but classical. Working out like its a job and being an honors student on scholarship is the right life for me. The right life for you should NEVER be compared to the right life for me, because it is your life. What works for me might break you. What works for you might break me.
Thank you for that kindness.
I’ll try to keep treating my girlfriend well. I’m lucky that she’s pretty relaxed and easy going… a surfer girl at heart.
As far as freedom, I think it just comes from the fact that I’m really content with life these days. I’m learning how to cope better with something new everyday.
I’m not trying to be a big wig or a mover and shaker. I’m pretty happy with my humble life… and having a job that fits me and brings joy to others makes it even easier to keep going.
The biggest thing I’ve been learning is to not get so frustrated that I’m not as far ahead as other people my age… when I look around at every sort of person…
What is “ahead” or “winning” or “normal”?
Besides… surfing has taught me… Waves come and go… they swell and fade…
The only thing I can do is let them pass and enjoy the ride.
Nice,it’s very good example that you had given about wave,even I a non surfer can understand what your saying,letting go is really important,regrets and negative moments,I am still learning about letting things go,especially let go of problems which we cannot solved or can’t be solved,thanks for reply