Before my sz I’m a very attractive beings with a face of an angel and a nice hot body. I received a lot of complements. I’ve a good education and a career with high status. I’m of high ability and am highly intelligent. I could bring a lot of good things to people around me. I often feel that i could do whatever I want to do. I have a good personality. I’m socially desirable. I’m humorous and adorable. And there are times I think I’m financially doing quite good.
After sz, i gained 80 pounds. The med destroyed me. I’m slow and disfigured. Almost everybody avoided me. Also, I lost my money and earning abilities. I’ll probably be broke all my life. I’ll never have enough. It seems so difficult to support myself. Everybody see me as a burden. My cognitive problems steal away my intelligence and personality. I’m like a retarded.
What SZ is doing to me, I think it allowed me to live two lives. It’s hurting to have my two lives in one life time. Living the change is impossible. But I have think it through. If I could find meaning to my suffering, I think it lies in experiencing the two lives. Experiencing a life full of suffering and living a life with such a limiting physical body. It actually is a unique experience. If I only live one life, which is my previous life, I would not understand as much as I would today. I find out that mom and a few friends are my treasure. I understand that they truely loves me to spend their time with someone who is broke, disfigured, retarded and disabled. I have absolutely no potential to repay them. I learnt this from the people who disserted me and changed face soon after they know that I’m ill. I understand that there is actually two groups of people in my life, one who loves me and one that stay around just because of my high quality and free service. If I don’t have SZ, I think I’ll still be in love with the second group of people and work very hard every single day to fulfill their expectations. My ex actually expressed his expectations of me to earn a lot of money and the most of the money i can make for whatever the longest possible time. I’m not saying my second life is better than my previous life. But it certainly allows me to experience what is love and what is not love. I’d say, before the illness, a lot of them fooled me around and pretended they love me. They are however all trying to get something out of me only. This is what I can conclude from what I have seen. So I’m now spending my days with the ones who truely loves me. I remember before my sz, I’m willing to pay a price for true love. I’m crying for love. I’mso confused. So at least i have got true love these days. There is a clear goal I’mworking on every day- to spend more time with my beloved and loves them more. Another thing I have got to understand, I feel good when I do some little things for my loved ones. There have been a long time I am suicidal. I decide that I’m not going to kill myself because I care for my mother. I don’t want to give her more hardship. Since my mom is living my life with me, I’m not going to abandon her. I still find my life too difficult to me a lot of the days. But I think at the end of my life, I’ll remember being loved by my mom and loving her with all my heart.
I’m giving my mom a fraction of my income to buy herself a birthday gift this year. It’s not a lot of money but it’s already all that I can use in a month. I think I’m the only one doing this to my mother. The sisters are very cold and all keep us at a distance. I wish I could warm up my mom’s heart.
Another thing is to live with a damaged brain and hence the boredom. I think it is a challenge to live with such a brain function. I used to be a psychologist and I studied and helped people with cognitive damage such as sz. I remember there is an assignment the professor asked us to write a novel pretending we have a brain damage. It is so difficult to imagine. I think I’m really living this life to understand cognitive damage and sz. I’m still like doing the same assignment I’ve got in the university.