Yesterday things were really hard. Everything that has been happening recently became overwhelming, and when my pdoc was cold and uncaring, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was desperate for things to change. I had given up on my Buddhist practice, but my mom encouraged me to chant. I sat before the alter and between sobs I got out Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, the chant we say. I did the best I could and gave in and went in the kitchen pacing and called my tdoc. I actually got her on the phone, which is rare. She was able to talk me down, stop me when I would talk in circles, remind me to breathe, remind me of my coping skills, and tell me what I should do. She said if the demon showed up and told me to do horrible things I should go to the ER to be evaluated. My mom stayed home with me, as she was supposed to go out, and really helped me out. Before bed the demon did show up and was pointing his finger in my face saying I was worthless and should kill myself. I could handle it so I didn’t go to the ER. When I laid down and closed my eyes the images came so fast I could hardly recognize what they were, but I saw blood and perverse sexual images. I fell asleep fast.
This morning I awoke to a whole new world. The anxiety and depression were gone. My class schedule went through and I am now full time, which I was unsure it would happen as class starts today and if it hadn’t gone through I would of had to wait until next session to accelerate my class load. This would have pushed my graduation date out an extra session. Also, I was talking with Jason. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and will pop the question once his divorce is final (he’s been separated since 2009). I was ecstatic. It seems we both knew from our trip that we were the ones for each other. Then a pdoc I called yesterday returned my call and accepts my insurance. I have an appointment at the end of the month. Then, I had scheduled an appointment with my PCP because of what has been happening. She was awesome! I told her all of my stressors and the bad anxiety I have been having. She prescribed me Klonopin, and if I cut them in half, I have enough for 40 panic attacks. I’ve been careful with the 8 I have and only use them in emergencies. Now I can breathe easier. She was understanding and knows her stuff. She knew me when my psychosis was the worst and knows my patterns. She said if things get worse to either have ECT early or go in the hospital. I don’t like either of those options, but it’s better then killing my mom or my self. I hate this illness! But she understood. After meeting with my pdoc, which was a hopeless situation, I was so relieved to have a doctor care. And she knows me and that doesn’t scare her away, so that’s hope for Jason. Maybe I’m not cursed. Maybe I can have people in my life who won’t leave me. How can I not be borderline when everyone leaves? Of course I’m going to have abandonment issues.
So I was thinking about this turn of events. At the beginning of the year I was chanting to understand if chanting was the true path, and thinking “what should I be following?” If answered I would give it my all and study and practice. One month ago I decided to stop practicing Buddhism. I felt a lot of guilt, only I was putting this on myself. I heard people talking about how they would chant one hour in the morning or another member would chant three hours a day. I struggled to do 5 minutes. I was also not studying. I felt the positive things that were happening were going to happen anyway and chanting had no effect. Aside from being a Buddhist I’ve always had a close relationship with God from my Christian days. Not the Christian God, but more a universal force. I received answers to my questions when I prayed through inspiration, and I didn’t have that connection when I would chant. Well it seems when I stopped chanting everything went to ■■■■. When I did chant, miracles happened. I don’t understand it, but I am convinced chanting works. My mom said chanting raises your vibration level and will attract positive things to your life. When you are not chanting those protective forces aren’t there, your energy is on a lower level, and negative influences are attracted to your life. Not to say Buddhists don’t suffer, but your life condition is in the higher worlds. I think I found my path.