No words of reference when other people speak or when I hear normal city sounds.
The only thing was the way that my extramente or socioproprioception (some may call it mental proprioception) basically acted like a wild monkey all over inside of me, but for the most part I could control it, and make it “non-effective.”
Normally I’m locked into that “wild monkey” inside of me very hard core, and there is no rest with it. Today I could look deeply into my surroundings, listen deeply to what people were saying around me.
At first this was kind of startling. Not frightening but startling because normally when I have a normal experience, my scz monkey completely obliterates it all. So being used to that kind of triggered experience I was quick to wince, but nothing was happening.
I have not ever experienced an scz less day in the city since the year 2000.
I was at the DMV waiting in the chairs, and I was becoming euphoric as I was just cycling my mind over what I was seeing and hearing without any scz reactions. It’s hard to explain…like being let out of a very tight duct tape wrapping after many years, and then being able to feel the many variable in the grass, air, leaves, breezes, nuances in the lights and so forth, but experience it all within myself.
To put it another way I was not able to experience these mental processings going on without an scz attack, and I literally mean an attack like a wild attack.
But now these mental processings are going on inside of me which is very clear, and it’s very lucid, and very, very interesting kind of like…
…being a new child in the world.
I guess another way to explain it is that my mind has been very fuzzy and tense, hyper reactive and irritating for a long time with a wrench in all of this nuance controls and sensations, so it couldn’t simple simmer in the data inputs so to speak…I guess. Today the fuzz all blew away, and the intensity shed off. The mental processes unlocked, and all of the tiny little wheels, gears, cogs, bells, and whistles were all working.
This symptom less day became more and more powerful as the day went on. I learned I could control it more and more as the day went on as if my brain was becoming more strong with practice as the hours went by.
Given the progression these past few months I am excited about 2018. I think it is going to be a mind in Hi-Fidelity Picture and Sound with maximum emotional complexity. Compare that to being frozen up in PTSD and hallucinating being vividly attacked and tortured for years. Hehe