Schizophrenia.com

Trapped 10101

My delusions and hallucinations have been peaking again. I don’t know what to do. I keep considering checking into a ward, but once I do it’s game over, and no real coming back from all the consequences which follow.

I know if I start on meditation, and it works, I’ll miss some aspects of my psychosis. The tactiles, visions, rabbit holes. The voices I wouldn’t miss, they’re unrelenting and cruel. But I fear I’ll relapse, for want of a broader reality. Why start, if you know you’re likely to fail?

I’m also concerned I might have multiple personalities. I’ve blacked out in psychosis a few times. Once, I drove an hour away, and bought beer (I don’t drink). When I came to I was drinking, and a cat was talking to me. I don’t remember getting there. I remember being home, doing nothing. It was daylight. When I came to, it was around midnight. I wasn’t using any drugs (not even weed) at this time either, because I was looking for a job.

I keep feeling another consciousness in my body with me. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like their consciousness is right beside mine. I feel him fighting for control. Even tho he’s prolly the only nice voice I have, he scares me.

I’ve been reading about people with mpd, and they often talk about a “white room”. When my voices first appeared, and shortly thereafter became internal, we were all in a room. Like a small arena. We’ve been in other rooms and places too.

On one hand, I think mpd might be easier. It would at least help me accept this is prolly all in my head, or our head (fcking weird). On the other, it’s terrifying to think of losing myself, and not being in control. What if they don’t take care of my dogs, or the horse and burros? What if they’re as cruel to others as they are me?

Maybe it’s just my voices fcking with me, but I don’t know. I think some part of me wants to see how if it plays out. I wouldn’t want to be misdiagnosed.

I’m fcking exhausted. I’m being tortured, and just bearing it. I don’t know why I feel being tortured is a sign of my own strength. Especially now when I feel so weak. I hardly leave my bed because of them. I just stay trapped in my mind, play with my dogs here and there, or am on the forum, which is mostly focused around them.

I can’t escape, and if I did, I know I’ll miss being trapped. It all feels hopeless.

I know this feeling will pass, and I’ll keep going, but it’s difficult to keep all of this to myself, and having little to no one real to talk to about it. I had to rant.

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More like that’s when the game begins. Once you see past this getting help as game over, I suppose you may not feel quite as trapped.

Help is good. It’s no fun struggling all alone.

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I know the feeling. When I have an attack of thought disturbances, part of my thinking has a strange, alien feeling, not like myself.

You sound quite delusional, and I think you should consider getting an evaluation of your situation. Perhaps checking yourself in at a ward, you don’t need to be there for such a long time.

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Have you considered getting a doctors referral to see Psychiatrist? Maybe you then wouldn’t have to take such a drastic step as committing yourself to a hospital. Just go in for a visit with a Psychiatrist and be honest and let them evaluate you. This way you aren’t making such a drastic commitment as checking yourself into a psych ward. I don’t know. I went the involuntary route of being diagnosed in the hospital first, so I’m not quite sure how another route plays out, but maybe there is an easier path for you since you are at least somewhat in control.

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Yes, but I expect to have to wait at least a month before I can get an appointment. If I make one, I might feel differently the day of and skip it.

I think a ward might be the better option for me right now.

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That’s true. You seem very torn right now @fractaled . I wish you good luck in making your decision.

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