its just not easy being me. I cant handle this balancing act anymore. Im just yearning for an explanation for all these inconstant threads. I would love to let go–just let go. I go to sleep, have lucid dreams more real than waking life. I wake up to annoying reminders that not everything is rational. If anyone has read The Magician’s Nephew, its by C.S. Lewis, I believe this is a pre-cursor to narnia. In the book the children have rings that open up portals through a garden in the middle of space and time. One of the worlds, or maybe Im confusing this with another book–all the people are the same and live in this colorless existence, I feel like Im living that now. Like all the houses painted the same color, everyone is perfect but no one has a mind of their own. Something odd is happening, I have come closer to remembering my childhood, memories have flooded back to me–doing a lot of clearing out of bad habits and bad energys/space.
I remember when I first joined schizophrenia.com there were a lot more posts about skeptical thoughts, ideas about time and speculation. I think it was better when people would feel like this was a safe-space to freely indulge the truth about what they believed, if anything, find comfort to know that as long as what they believed wasnt hurting anyone they would be accepted least of all on a mental health forum. But I havent felt like this for the past three years I havent had anywhere to share my silent madness.
thats all I have to say, so where it might seem to one person I am worse–I am remembering events more clearly and feeling more aware and in the end its still the same–Im just a human on earth who is a lot similar to most, Im worse at hiding my flaws and Im the best at expressing them–It just pains me that I spent so much time trying to make sense of the world–and its constantly changing with or without my control…does that make me stand out in some way? There is a lot more to it. I watched a video about the mandela effect, I noticed that I could remember both timeless or people being confused about it. Maybe that would just say I was more observant and aware of some kind of micro shift of realities. But thats still cloud logic–it has no fixed dimension.
Im frustrated also that i feel burdened by my illness, am seen as a burden to others–am not encouraged to work or seek higher education, not afforded transportation often enough, but really need some kind of role model other than an endless ladder–I used to think of the future of the US as a trajectory to an endless unreachable climb “Job” the jobless ladder to the top–because the higher you climb, the more you sink into debt the more stressed you become. I used to explore what the future would look like in my mind, it wasnt madness just pattern making like probability mind mapping each outcome in abstract ways always spinning thoughts around and concepts to come up with something different and its like I got HAD–I almost have this egging sense that all my ideas got stolen from me, shipped to a lab and then the credit for having come up with them with my sole consciousness warped or distorted in such a way so that the origins would never be known.
I always asked if Myeline was in the brain. The doctors said no when they diagnosed me with schizophrenia, and I have a disease that causes myeline to thin and wear away or dissolve of my lifetime its neuro-degenerative. Isnt that an easier explanation? so if Im altering the pathways the signals make its only making me smarter…however there is a limit to how many possible circuits and nerve endings you cross. I know there is a link to that, and epilepsy and PTSD or high stress causing signals or EEG electricity in the brain to surge, creating the platform for psychosis–
and I know there was a lawsuit related to the hospital where I was put in extreme states for long periods of time for 2 months and longer when I was a freshman in HS. not everyone gets taken out of HS when their fifteen, parents refused to teach them to drive unless they’re medicated–which ended up being adderall because it fixed my anxiety.
sorry for the long winded vent/please dont delete this it helps me to express my thoughts.