Hi there, it’s my first time posting on this forum because I really needed some kind of support group to talk to about my symptoms.
A little background about me - I’ve been diagnosed with psychostimulant-induced psychosis and have been prescribed anti-psychotic medications for about a year worths time. I’ve decided that I should tackle on this problem without any medication and so I’ve been off of the medication for about 6 months. However, it seems that I continue to make terrible decisions to worsen my mental health due to compulsive actions such as taking adderall recently in order to catch up on school work.
Before, I knew that the voices I heard through auditory hallucinations were fake, manifesting in the form of my insecurities and fears. But recently after my adderrall binge, I’ve begun to hear voices and I’m not quite sure if they are hallucinations or I’ve just begun listening in on people around me. One question I have to the community is this: have any one of you developed tardive dyskinesia as a side effect of anti-psychotic medication? It seems that when I hear voices of derogatory nature of certain sounds of the ‘s’ sound, I instantly react and begin listening in on those voices. In addition to this, the jerky movement of my eyes also give away, or so I believe, that I’ve heard whatever sound or voice and that people are catching onto me about my listening. I’m not quite sure if this is tardive dyskinesia or my classical conditioning of reacting to sounds around me.
For a few days after my adderall binge, I’ve begun listening in very closely to the noises of my upper neighbors and I believe that they now are listening back as well having hacked my smartphone to surveil me. Crazy, I know. The second part I’m rather skeptical. But the fact that I instantly make noises or movements in reaction to whatever sounds I hear is what is making me go insane. If they are hallucinations, I believe I have nothing to worry about since I’m reacting to something that is imaginary. If they are not, I believe this will only garner the attention of people around me in a negative manner. I feel that the cause of my constant reaction to voices are the result of my (positive) attention-seeking nature as well as situational manipulation in order to find out whether or not the voices are indeed hallucinations or real in nature.
I am frankly scared to sleep in my own home because I believe that the upper neighbors are devising a plan with my roommate to evict me from the apartment. I’ve even begun listening to my roommate’s breathing only to make out his breaths as the phrase “move out.” I believe his coincidental tossing and turning to the voices above serves as communication between them to indicate whether I am listening.
I cannot eat in the dining halls because when I chew I naturally react and chew in rhythm to the voices around me. I feel that people believe that I’m listening to them and multiple times I’ve left without finishing my meal.
I feel that security guards and campus police have now caught onto my craziness and are trailing me wherever I go. I hear students around me saying about me that “[they] think [I’m] listening” or that “[I’m] the guy that listens to people.”
Why not use earphones? I’ve tried and it seems that I still hear the voices and can’t differentiate whether they’re real or not. Plus, I cannot gauge how loudness my reaction is to the voices either. It also does not help that I cannot hear the sound of my own breathing if I have earphones on, since I inevitably hold my breath in or breath heavily when I hear people talking, thus believing that people listen to those as well.