Today I thought I helped God make it rain. Well I wondered if I did

It started to rain like hard bullets when I got sad.

When I got happy, the sun came out.

We just want to feel special and powerful I think.

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I can relate to wanting to feel powerful like that. Especially if we were ever meant to feel really small.

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Yea I think when you get treaded on a lot, you just want to feel like, well, at least I’m powerful and you can’t stop me

Once I thought I caused a tornado. I hope I didn’t.

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I can understand that. Before I honestly thought when I’d yell at the top of my lungs, certain words would cause a domino effect in nature. Kind of like that old Chinese proverb, “Even thr flap of a butterfly’s wing can cause a tsunami.” I do know that with some mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, delusions of grandeur are a common symptom. I know from personal experience.

At one point I thought I was a prophet who predicted that germs trapped in melted glaciers would bring back illnesses that cavemen had antibodies to but ours had become dormant. Ironically, the COVID epidemic spread but somehow it didn’t feed to that delusion and I don’t think I am a prophet anymore. I even had some words I thought were a divine message come to me, “Yahweh manan ital.” I had a number of theories about what they meant and imagined that thousands of years ago some words could have several meanings because there weren’t so many descriptive words. I thought sometimes it might mean, “I am the gift that feeds life.” I honestly had never heard the last two words. Eventually, I did a search online and found that manan can mean gift. I had heard of mana, but not manan, and ital honestly I found very little on the internet but it is sometimes used in reggae and for rastafari it means vital food.

Funny, I used to stand outside my friend’s house early on in my illness and talk to the wind and tell everyone to leave at least one window in the house open even if only a little for increased airflow so they wouldn’t get sick. Anyway, I thi k back to all that and am embarrassed. My friend’s mom and brothers were pretty understanding and still welcome me there. Hah, I remember my friend’s brother’s (they were also my friends) baby momma approaching me and saying “shalom” with a smile. She wasn’t really mocking me or feeding into my delusion either, I think she sort of meant it in a way that would comfort me at the time as it is a greeting.

To top it all off, I’m Catholic lol

Onw of the closest translations I think that might be somewhat accurate is, "I am the morning dew.’

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Yea coincidences feel very exciting and you crave for more. I do. It is like a hunger for something beyond.

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I thought i made it rain with my thoughts when i was off my medicine

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Oh OK yes. I think it’s one of the common delusions tbh

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Hell, I thought it was some form of telepathic prayer because the people who would think of the rarity of those words people thinking them my recognize each other’s thoughts somehow.

I try not to speak of religion because of the guidelines, but I swear when I pray stuff like the Lord’s Prayer or the rosary in my mind, I hear other voices praying it too. I mean without delving into the actual religious aspect of it, I do think it is possible that somewhere in the world at any hour there are people who say that like a mantra during meditation.

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Yes that’s interesting. I personally am open to some of my psychotic experiences too… But not concluded yet either… It is a journey I am still on.

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I mean for ital I did search and find similar sounding words in Arabic or Hebrew like et or al.

Sorry, I was outside and just thinking about it. Time to go back outside! Wonder about the world and stuff heh.

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I’m asking for sunshine, I got snow… so still wanting sunshine.

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