To be honest I think I have the worst mental illness from everyone on here

Not trying to say your guys isn’t bad but I’m dealing with some f’d stuff like I know people can hear my thoughts never no way y’all can tell me it’s not possible but damn the voices I hear and everyone else who listen it’s like did that really just come out of my mind. My mind is racist my mind is rude my mind is mean it’s is brutal it is scary for a second or maybe still my mind try’s to talk to saitan like why would u do that then I start seeing shadows and all this other stuff that it’s not cool man. To be honest I do drugs when I really shouldn’t cause that just makes it worse at times but I’m dealing with depression that drugs is the only thing that makes it go away. So imagine this my mind it can be heard once I do drugs to try and take this sadness and depression away that once I do them my thoughts go crazy I can control it when I’m high and alone sometimes i can do it around people cause I just work faster and I don’t think when I work fast so the drug is not the problem sometimes it is cause it makes me delusional and voices are crazy then I start hearing other people’s voices in my head that bring in I’m still trying to control that but okay thoughts are so every time I see someone depending who it is there’s either something bad or something good I try my hardest to hold that thought it until they are gone and it doesn’t seem that bad because I feel like maybe they didn’t hear it but sometimes they just come out and I don’t even know what to do like damn imagine seeing an obese person all you could think of is the worst thing possible and trying to hold back that thought gives me anxiety so I can’t breath sometimes so I have let it go or I will pass out then once I hear that thought I have to tell myself out loud random word to distract myself from hearing it again sometimes it’s hard sometimes it’s not but just knowing that they can hear those horrible thoughts coming from my mind it’s like they actually think it’s me I talk in my mind but all I’m saying is good things positive trying to make them feel better but they are just hurt I can feel it the look in their face it hurts me cause I was never like these voices are making me seem it’s the worst feeling ever but I’m dealing with it pretty good but it’s still like why do they have to hear what it doesn’t matter like why God why. Can you only imagine what I hear when I see a African American person It’s hell like nooooo that one kills me specially cause I work with a black person and he doesn’t have to hear stuff like why makes me look bad I just have to try my best to live with it and I am. I drink sometimes and when I do I like to drink until I pass because in the process of getting drunk I’m feeling all the pain I’m causing to some people it might even give them voices and make them start having this problem it’s a horrible feeling so I drink till I’m dead gone so I can forget for a couple hours no dreams no nothing just gone until I wake up hung over then these voices slowly process again and I have to deal with them. My friends that I sometimes hang out with me don’t know what to say cause every time someone talks it’s like “lier” “bull crap” “your fake u talking behind his back” and it’s like wow I’m really snitching on my own friends that trust me telling me things about other you know just like friends do talk about someone that got them I trouble or mad or just something and my mind tells that other person right when I see them what they just said and I sometimes have to say in my mind not true why would they say that but then that makes me a lier like my friends know it’s true so they know I’m lying for them but then that person is already think of how to get them back and it’s like no stop peace and love my friends! So okay when I lie for my friends they know I got their backs in my mind cause they my friends so I sometimes have these random thought just out of the blue about anything it could be sexual evil mean and when we all hear it I’m always like cmon it’s not true dude specially about kids it’s like the top of the list of the worst things can you imagine what it says I won’t say what they say cause I feel like someone hearing my thoughts right now and just thinking bout it’s true but okay so I hear those things when I’m with my friend I’m just like that’s not true like i was never like and never is so I say the voices are lying but they don’t even know if to believe me cause I lie for the but they know it’s true so it’s hard for them to even sometimes hang out or what me around cause they might think this guy is actually some freaking nasty savage ■■■■■■■ makes it so hard to talk because if I start talking then they might think he’s just trying to cover up but if I don’t they just keep hearing what goes in my mind and it’s a never ending anxiety, catastrophe, it really sucks but I’m dealing with it pretty damn good to be honest I could care less if that’s what they think I actually cause I know the truth and you can judge but I know if you do so your saying something wrong and oh well we keep living and life happens. If you read everything I hope you understand that everything is okay these voices don’t make us who we are they just try to mess with us and cause us hell but don’t let it stay positive and positive things will happen I promise it is not as bad as it seems don’t let it keep you away from things you once love I let these voices take me away from sports the only thing I ever loved but I’m slowly going make a come back and so can everybody just believe you will one day live at peace I love y’all and we can do this together with help support and love. :slight_smile:

I’m sorry I couldn’t read your post - Wall of Text.
Try breaking it up a little

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You should really try to use more punctuation, it would make your posts much easier to read. And Wave’s suggestion is good too - break it up into paragraphs. Just a friendly suggestion.

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When I rant, there are no breaks vocal or otherwise. Can’t even type those…

Then when I feel better I try to write one sentence at a time.

When I rant at my pdoc, she is patient, but recently told me I have been known to spout gibberish.
That really hurt my feelings.:cold_sweat:

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Sorry I was never good at writing long stuff I just type stuff without looking back at but did y’all at kinda under stand it or should I write it again haha I’ll get that typing app

You can try editing it if it’s not too late :slight_smile:
Click on the little pen below your paragraph.

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The voices do come from your mind, but it doesn’t mean your mind is racist or satanic. Usually, the voices try to torment you by saying things that they know will upset you. If you fear being perceived as racist, your voices will say racist things. If you fear the devil, the voices will play off that. The voices represent your greatest fears, not your hidden desires.

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I believe @ninjastar is right about the voices. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this @Even796 and hope that that things start turning around for you. I wish you the best.

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I wàs reading your post out loud and blacked out a bit from lack of oxygen to my brain.:wink: Lol jk. But seriously to get your APS to work. I think you need to lay off the drugs and alcohol. I think I would be open about this with your pdoc. Sounds like your going. Through some really hard times and I feel for you. I get that your desperate for relief but maybe there’s a better way I think you should totally talk openly about this even if it means getting admitted.

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Sorry you feel this way
It’s very tough at its worst
Depression - I’ve had it mild and long term but not severe
If it makes you feel better a child to a man is like a horse or whatever to a woman
We just don’t have to worry so much
I mean about fleeting stuff

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