I remember during high school and after I graduated during the great recession I probably applied to over 20 jobs. I worked hard at the pizzeria, Bed Bath and Beyond, and as a college tutor. The most I ever made was $600 a paycheck at Bed Bath and Beyond. That was before the store opening and I got paid $9 an hour for my second job and worked 60 hours a week. I guess that included overtime and after taxes. Not sure. Maybe more now that I think about it.
I was a lazy tutor though. I should have put more effort into my tutoring and less on academics. I would have probably gotten more Bs and less As. Maybe my future would have been different. I got into a school with a 15% acceptance rate for my major. I had stellar extracurricular and a 3.9 gpa.
In college, I worked 40+ hours a week as a math major. I still got Cs so either I was dumb or didn’t study smart enough. Some people studied more, but I felt like I studied too much. I was a below average math major, but an above average economics/business major.
Since the schizophrenia hit in 2011, I’ve been borderline insane and permanently disabled. I get called lazy and that it’s my genetics from my mom’s side even though that’s not true. I’m tired of my dad verbally being abusive to me and not answering my phone. I love him, but I cannot get emotional love or support from him; only money.
I think he’s the biggest narcissist I ever met.
I’m worried I’ll end up homeless or worse after he passes. I’m already in bad shape with my foot.
He is very pessimistic and only sees the negative side of life.
I’m so tired of it. He didn’t even call me back when I wished him Happy Father’s Day.
I probably had overwhelming stress from moving away and living on my own at 21. I think I tried pot one time my junior year and that’s when the prodromal symptoms and cognitive decline happened I think. It just got worse over time. I went from a straight A student to a straight C student in my core math classes. I felt like a huge loser and failure. I think I was pretty smart, but at the end I dropped out because I couldn’t handle it.
I remember taking a lower division math course and an ethnic studies course at the same time during my summer year. It changed me. I shouldn’t have taken that course and stayed with economics, but there was a competition in me and I was very naive. I ended up with a B in the course and an A in the other one. It felt like a marathon the whole summer. I was so close to getting a B+ but I bombed my final due to lack of sleep.
I liked math a lot, but it wasn’t my passion. My friends were much more prepared than I was.
There’s also a huge leap from community college to a real university. The feeling of debt weighing down on me was constant.
Also, I constantly felt like I was failing my math classes at the start and there was no point in even trying. I once got a 2% on a math mid term and ended up thinking I was going to fail! I worked hard and got a C.
Paying all that money and not knowing if I could pass was overwhelming. Not feeling there were enough hours in the day.
The knowledge of studying too hard and the short term memory was extremely overwhelmed and not going into long term memory was frightening.
I almost switched majors too to something easier. I just couldn’t handle that ■■■■. Economics was a lost cause because I missed the deadline and requirements and I was in a different college than the business people.
In fact, I just wanted to go to that school and didn’t care much about the major. I liked EE initially but found it too rough and I didn’t want to get my hands dirty like my stepfather who was an EE. I wanted to work in an office with a pencil and computer lol.