I feel thoughts of wanting to separate again. Love hubby so much so it’s hard but … I feel like I don’t have much of a life being a caregiver. Just because he’s got money doesn’t mean I must stay. I’m not for money, I’m for freedom. Want to be independent and he doesn’t like that. Want short hair and he doesn’t want me to cut it again. Want my neck open not covered by my headscarf but it’s disrespectful to him. Want no sex. Want less religious talk. Want more freedom to do my thing but looking after him I’m not much alone to force myself to eventually write or paint.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like life is passing me by. I’m nearly 38 and never really lived normal life. My life has been too mentally ill or religious. I’m glad I had chance to love him and yet I’m so glad I don’t have kids.
I want God but I want Him in a more moderate way. I accept my schizoaffective disorder and have support but it’s causing me to be too demotivated.
I miss staying with my big sis and my nieces. They were so fun to be around. Music evenings. Not driving much. Someone else cooking sometimes. Girl talk. My sister and I get on so well.
Hubby’s so negative and emotionally draining. I need sunshine but if I leave he’s just going to beg me to return. If he accepted my separation last year then I think I would have been divorced by now and making a life even if it were in a group home, at least I could do what I wanted without a man telling me what he wants. He doesn’t like me to be independent and selfish and always having my way.
It’s like I connect with him but I feel stifled. Am I to be a caregiver all my life? I’m not the maternal type. I’m independent by desire and nature. I’m a loner. He said he doesn’t accept I’m a loner and says why does he need alone time, he says we can do everything together, but I need to be alone half the time. He can’t understand that. His motto is sharing and caring. I wish he was more normal and that I wasn’t so codependent!
Really, I’m so indecisive and scared. Scared I’d hurt him and scared I’d have another breakdown if I leave. It’s so hard breaking up so is it worth it?
Another problem is his family doesn’t seem to care about him. He’s been so hurt by his family and they trigger his seizures. I’m basically his only support so if I leave, he will have nobody. I can’t bear the thought he’d be alone. I feel so much for him. I’m torn apart and don’t know what to do!