Thoughts for today

Today I was realizing I was having the thoughts I get when I’m depressed, thinking that life is boring, not worth it, that I only live for other people, etc. (I was using coping skills to combat these thoughts and try to change them) I wondered if I was having these thoughts because I was becoming depressed or if I was becoming depressed because I was having these thoughts. I always thought that it was my thoughts that made me depressed, but when I was on antidepressants I realized I stopped getting the depressive thoughts altogether.

I was also thinking about how enormously mental illness has impacted who I am. My first major depressive episode and my first major psychotic episode were basically the equivalent of taking my identity and smashing it with a hammer and then me trying to put all the pieces back together, but now it’s warped and doesn’t look quite the same. I may make a second post about that.

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I wanted to be in the army and I’m completely different now.

People say I’m a lot more chilled…

Mystery that a person with so much awareness can’t use it to an advantage.

I need others to tell me.

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Happiness is internal. Means don’t put conditions on being happy. I’ll only be happy when I finish collage, I’ll only be happy when I find a boyfriend, I’ll only happy when he marries me, I’ll only be happy when we have kids, I’ll only be happy when they finish school- they get married- they have kids. In the mean time you are not happy at all.

Anther way of looking at it is I’ll only be happy when my boyfriend gives me blue velvet roses.

  1. if your boyfriend doesn’t like giving flowers
    2 If he has no idea they are your favorite flower you are going to be miserable the rest of your life.

What wrong with being mindful buying your own flowers, growing your own especially if they bring you joy. A bad example but you get the picture.

Depressions a lying ■■■■■■■ don’t listen to him.

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I was actually catching myself thinking that today as well, “I’lol be happy when…” It was a trap I used to fall into a lot before because I’d achieve the condition I set by I still wouldn’t be happy…then I’d feel worse…

I also reminded myself today that “conditional happiness” doesn’t exist. You’re right.

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