Thought i'd come on and share

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my journey to recovery

and the pitfalls of the implusive tendances, how to detect triggers, and how to retreat from delusions, obessions, phobias and mania.
how to rationalise what is acceptable behaviour in society, relationships, and apropriate topical discussions and interests.

panic, fear and uncertainty,
living with and accepting your limitations
is it better to remember or forget your past-times? you won’t know till you try, test your confidance, put yourself out there, after a mental breakdown, we can feel apprehensive about our abilities to pursue our dreams, goals and might sense a mental barrier, a feeling that, you don’t remember how to do it anymore., it’s like being reborn, you almost feel like someone else has just arrived inside your brain, and you remember being someone else, and you can’t carry on being you, because everything has changed, your personoaility, your fashion sense could have complety dispeared, you’ve forgotten your routine, your bonds with people in your family, large aspects of your life have been forgotten, but you shouldn’t get caught up trying to remember who she was, or what she did, and how she did it, you feel like you can never live up to her, and you are jealous of her old lifestyle, and the ease of life that was…

so as you fail to carry on at schooling or can’t cope at your job, you feel like a failure to everyone around you, those who once depended on your help and input can’t depend on you anymore,
you feel weak, tired and saddened, because your trying to live up to your own expectations of yourself.

it’s like waking up one morning and two people have switched brains in the night, the sorta freaky friday film, and there is no magic cure, years pass, and the disapointment in yourself builds, your relationships are hanging by a thread, and no-one can get through to you,

you need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and if you can grasp and hold on to any charateristc or attriibute of your present personality and attitude, that is everything. thats all you have left,
you may, like me, make lists, of daily encounters or queries and self anaylise yourself, cross-examining the kind to the very hurtful,
regreting time spent, and worring that if you don’t crack this probelm with yourself and your issues, that your going to never get out of this hole,
because of the tablets to calm you, and the excessive daily stress, exhaustion is a frequent occurance, and as you lay there, in a fit of dispair, almost paraylised pysically, you still find it hard to stop,

and i started writing,
‘How to return the old me’
self critizising, it is easy to forgive yourself because like a dirty secret, you only have to confess the truth to the voice in the back of your head, and carry on regardless,no-one going to fire you or bring you to the principles ofice, you can get away with it’, no matter how hurtful , no-one knows how nasty you are and helpless you feel, because you have given up endlessly exlplaining and being misunderstood. so fantasys insue and day-dreaming becomes a formality, anxiety over your situation is damaging, and before you know it, it is written all over your face, it shows in your apearance, your cleanlyness, your not coping
and at this point, your craving a feeling of strengh and atchievement, and getting none, the emeny has won, the disease has spread and the fear has taken over every one of your senses, you can’t be true to anyone let alone yourself, your everything you hated in a person, and you don’t feel any remorse, because you blame society for making you this way, for shapening you into this monster, you blame your fmaily and your upbringing and everyone and everything that happened, and you hate yourself and the world, because, to you it’s hell, a living hell.

and you wouldn’t know happyness if it hit you in the face, you are so far gone, so depressed and upset, and down, that your given up, you become a hermit, and feel that atleast you have found one thing, peace and comfort, quiet will never be here, not with the take over of your brain, always fighing with it’s self, but as the torment starts to really beat on you, the best you can do is fall asleep wrecked and broken, so that, when you awake, at least for a few breif seconds you can’t feel anything, until it hits you, you’ve got another day, another 14+ hours of this…
feelings of inadiquecy and loss of self, a state of contant mourning and worthlessness.
and time management filled with addictions based on escapism.
is the smile you sometimes see real, does it carry any hope? is that the child you revert to, that child you call a r——— your way out, and you are supposed to be looking after her, your the adult, your a 27 year old, and the child can show the way… the child can let you live again, she is your curiosity, your drive, your motivation, she’s telling you to come back to her, and take her hand, to join her again, and start again, start to make your dreams a reality, for her! she is fearless. you don’t need to get to know her, you are her!
take a step back, and while you have time, make moments timeless… create heaven.


I like your drawing. I also sometimes struggle with wishing I could return to my old self. But it’s a waste of time to wish I was someone different. I am me, and I just have to accept that as a fact.

Wow! Thank you for sharing that @alice_Patterson1

@alice_Patterson1. That was very well said and i could so relate. Except for the age i felt like you were describing myself. thanks so much for sharing.

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thanks for understanding, i really do appreciate that!

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