This time last year, I COULD NOT look myself in the eye. I just couldn’t do it.
This time last year was about 4 months before my kid sis’s 17th birthday and she was starting to get out and about more with her new drivers license and her old station wagon.
She was driving more, and going more places and I was really feeling left behind more. Being alone is one thing, but being alone with myself, was too hard. I didn’t like the feeling of looking at myself. I made myself cringe…
My kid sis was dating a guy from her Sz support group who was actually selling pot. Yep, a person who had a sibling fighting SZ and was selling people pot. I was going through something in my head and I resumed my relationship with Mr. Marijuana. It was just a little at first. I could take it. Only a joint here and there. But of course…
April… a bit the paranoia came back. But I could take it.
May… The disorganized confusion got me. I was having a harder and harder time getting through my day. I could take it.
June… my habit amped up a bit and low and behold… so did the voices. (surprised?) Due to the voices, I got even more paranoid.
July… was the rampant hallucinations triggered by the good ole 4th of July. I was in that fire all over again and then almost every day after that for a few weeks. Then I started to let myself go as far as shaving and taking care of myself. Stopped taking my med as normally as I should. Caused some family panic and WE ALL completely missed my kid sisters 17th birthday. She ate her own picnic on the beach all by herself.
August… More paranoia, almost broke my sobriety, blamed my kid sis for that. Fought with her more and more as she worked her butt off helping me NOT break my sobriety. Then let go of lucid, went full on delusional and just went with a new delusion that was very disturbing and really freaked me out. Took lots and therapy to untangle that little nasty monster from my false memories. Flipped out on someone in public, flipped on my kid sis.
September… ??? Some deep false memory makes September a blur. Got better. kept on my meds… finally learned my lesson. Still tried to fight the delusion that got me in August. Threw the bong, the pot the ashtrays, the clothing that smelled, all of it… threw it all away and started the healing process over. Grateful that my sobriety and being clean from other drugs was still in tact.
October… worked on staying more med compliant and going to more therapy to repair the damage that I’ve done. Found this site. Kept my head in line. Grateful I didn’t set myself back to the beginning.
October— till now… It’s been amazing. Learning how to live with myself and face my life and keeping a positive attitude and learning as much as I can with every day I live in lucid town. I can’t just do free meditation… the circus like’s to play, but guided meditation doesn’t seem so bad. I’m using this time of stability to learn how to stay stable.
I’m learning how to look myself in the eye when I stand in front of a mirror. That isn’t as easy for me as it might be for others. But I can do it now. I can make eye contact with myself and not cringe.
Thank you all for being here.