This monologue describes exactly how I feel

There was a student… just the other day… who said that my problem, if one’s nature is a problem, rather than just problematic, is that I see things in terms of victory or death, and not just victory but total victory. And it’s true: I always have. It’s either victory, or don’t bother. The only thing worth doing is the impossible. Everything else is gray. You’re born… as a man… with the nerves of a soldier, the apprehension of an angel, to lift a phrase, but there is no use for it. Here? Where’s the use for it? You’re set up to be a philosopher or a king or Shakespeare, and this is all they give you? This? Twenty- odd years of school which is all instruction in how to be ordinary… or they’ll ■■■■■■■ kill you, they ■■■■■■■ will, and then it’s a career, which is not the same thing as existence… I want unlimited things. I want everything. A real love. A real house. A real thing to do… every day. I’d rather die if I don’t get it.

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