This may be a TW

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I don’t know what my mental state would be like if I left my schizophrenia untreated, if I would have lost insight. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if the disease was bad enough to go on meds? What caused me to go through like 10 med changes. It’s been so long, I forget the driving forces. Now that I’ve gotten stable, that no one would know I have schizophrenia. Now that my delusions and paranoia are gone, I am more logical and less creative. I miss doing art. I thought for certain I can make a career out of it, but with sanity comes a price of not being artistic. What’s the point of being SANE if I can’t do what I love?? Where is my place in life? Sanity is more disabling for me. Now I have NOTHING

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What’s the point of having passion if you’re too ill to enjoy the experience?

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I hate sanity as well. I wish that I was more brain damaged from psychosis so I could rot in my own ■■■■. I have had it trying to pretend and failing miserably. The meds make me ‘sane’ but really inside I am screaming.

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I guess when i’ve been psychotic i’ve kind of “enjoyed” the complete insanity of things, but it isn’t much fun for anyone else i know. I get quite paranoid, angry, aggressive…not things someone else should have to endure. Also, i wouldn’t be able to continue working, and i like my job. You can still pursue your art, just let your imagination run wild. The meds don’t dampen imagination.

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I feel you! 141515

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That’s what I’m finding out, people that know me say I’m better to be around. So I guess I dont understand the damage I’ve done while psychotic

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I guess art has always been a coping skill of mine and I feel like I lost a huge part of me

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I think that missing your psychosis is natural. Like, it would be kinda awesome if we got to control our symptoms, you know? Choosing to hear music, or having a blunted affect when people are saying stuff that we don’t care about or like so that the person would never know the difference. But seriously, as shítty as some of my symptoms were, I don’t remember ever being lonely, or at least, not like I am now. I fought so hard to become a part of the real world; I fought for everyone but myself; but now that I’m here, people talk to me out of obligation until they can’t stand it anymore, and then they slowly slip away. People leave me, all alone; they leave and they don’t come back until they want something from me, and I don’t know why. I did have friends; or, at least, I thought I did, for a while. But I see now that I don’t. I have no one. I’m alone.

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Oh boy I am glad I am not alone with this.

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I miss the excitement of psychosis and it sounds like you do too

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I don’t miss the excitement, I miss the company. I remember feeling a lot of things, but loneliness was never one of them.

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Makes sense I also never felt lonely during psychosis

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People chew me up and spit me back out like I’m a piece of cheap bubblegum. My voices never did that to me. Right about now, I’m wondering if they really were on my side, trying to get me to kill myself so I never had to experience the pain of unexplained, outright rejection.

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So were your voices comforting? Because I dont miss mine they were abusive

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It’s complicated. They were like a collective consciousness. Sometimes, they were abusive, other times comforting, but I truly believed that they were my companions, and that they would follow me to the ends of the universe and beyond. I wonder now if they were trying to protect me from this pain that I’m feeling today.

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Well seeing as its your own mind then maby, but you can deal with and overcome the pain without psychosis.

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