Having schizophrenia means that you have been terrified. Not everyone knows what it’s like to be truly terrified.
“Losing your mind” is more traumatic than losing a limb because your mind is everything that you are. There are no prosthetics for the brain. I cling to what I have.
Having no peace, not being able to trust (anyone, anything, yourself) is like being forever homeless, no matter where you are.
Wondering every day “why?”, while others just do. Wanting to run away, escape, go to sleep…
Even when you gain enough balance to fool everyone around you, you wonder how long you can hold on.
Everyday I wonder how long I can hold on as I keep my secret/real self hidden.
And I’m one of the lucky ones.
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Everyday I wonder how long I can hold on as I keep my secret/real self hidden.
That’s what I was like before I was diagnosed. I know you’re getting by without meds, but with meds, I don’t have that problem anymore.
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I can really relate to what you have written @Hedgehog.
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To me one of the alarming things is that even when I’m looking right at a hallucination, fully aware that it’s a hallucination and even laughing at it a little, I’m frozen in fear. It’s like this disorder is always causing a little fire in the fear center of your brain. It’s truly separated from logic.
What would meds do for me? I’m genuinely asking.
I consider taking meds and then I can’t because I think I’ll be lost. They’ll take what’s left of my mind and I’ll never make it back… does that make sense?
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living with sz is not that much different than trying to cope with having severe depression…I know because I had depression before I ever became psychotic. I remember being almost as disabled from long bouts of depression and anxiety as I am from post psychotic worries. Granted its a little more extreme to have sz but all these illnesses are on a spectrum and the sooner that you recognize that everyone struggles in one way or another, the sooner you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and live rather than staying alone “wondering”
I don’t get scared anymore. One of the few blessings of aging. I do get startled. The other night, I did get scared for a few minutes. While I was on the phone I almost hung up and ran into the other room because there were shadows and creatures crawling behind the furniture, waiting for me to turn my back so they could jump on me. So I stood up and faced them the whole time, and after about five-ten minutes they stayed hidden…
Anyway, I don’t think people can generally relate. What we experience and live with…
I work five days a week. I get up and get dressed every day. I have a husband and have raised a son. I also have depression.
Schizophrenia is literally an alternate reality that has to be “dealt with” along with everyday life. It is unique. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. I get to do that, and it’s a healthy acceptance and acknowledgement of the absolute hell I’ve been through.
And, like I said, I’m one of the lucky ones.
I didn’t mean to sound offensive, I get the whole part about not being able to trust your mind. Its the most uncomfortable thing to have to live with the fear of going crazy all the time too. Im glad that you’re one of the lucky ones, I suppose Im one of the “lucky ones” too. I don’t have sz. i have some type of Bipolar disorder but Ive had 8 psychotic breaks along with can’t get out of bed depression for 15 years. I guess I try to find solace in the fact that I do have my normal periods. Ive come to find out that crazy or not, the only thing someone can really do to regain their sense of purpose and confidence is to be a productive member of society, no matter how challenging it is. I don’t claim to have reached my goal yet but I don’t think its impossible. Its just a shame that it has to be so difficult for us. I hope and prey that they develope a better medication that takes away psychosis and allows all of us to heal with time.
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It’s kind of like a phobia. You gotta keep gradually staring deeper into the fear. I’ve been getting better with looking at the scary faces I see on people. Adding a little more eye contact each time and analyzing all the little thoughts that build the fear.
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I get defensive because it really is a big deal. I’m grateful and I’m proud of myself for attaining as much “normalcy” as I have, but my mind is fundamentally altered/damaged and will never function in the same way other’s do. I struggle with it everyday, and have for well over 30 years. I agree that pushing myself and getting out there has been important for momentum that keeps me going.
You should be proud too. We all should be proud of things we deal with, whether overcoming or just managing.
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That’s awesome! I’m glad you’re doing that! The greatest “breakthrough” I had was in realizing that I ultimately have the power to react and choose my own actions. It’s hard. The things we see are as real as anything else. It’s natural to react in fear, so overcoming our natural reaction takes practice. 
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I’ve thought of this too, as well as the effect experiencing pure terror regularly can have on the mind…it’s not good that’s for sure…
But, on the other hand, experiencing the terror and then facing it and surviving it makes us strong. We’re amazing, @Anna.
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