I talked to my therapist about not being wanted because I’m schizophrenic, and because I’m disabled. My therapist responded by saying, “Well, you’ve got a top-notch education, spent 10 years abroad, speak English fluently, and you also work full-time. You are not your illness.”
I also told my therapist that my mom contradicts a lot of the statements that my therapist says. Whenever I try to look up more information about my diagnosis, my mom told me that I don’t have it anymore. Whenever I try to have faith in myself, my mom asserts that no one will give me a job because I’m disabled and because of that I must work harder to survive. She also threatens me to never tell anyone about my sz (even a friend of mine in Korea, who is the daughter of my mom’s friend. She has depression and struggles with mental health and she’s telling me to not tell my friend about it?) or I’ll be an embarrassment.
I told him about the letter I’m writing to my brother, and how I’m updating it every few months. A few months ago, I started writing a letter to let him know that I was schizophrenic, and his parents are hiding it from him because I’m a shameful mess. And he told me that it may cause my brother to feel left out and not feel important because we never told him that I have sz. It’s like as a family we’re leaving him behind in things and that may cause my brother to feel sad. So I’m not sure if the letter thing is still standing.
He told me that communication will hit a brick wall at this point because I’ve already tried to communicate with her many times, and she failed to listen every time. So he told me to politely say ‘no’ and do not communicate with her when she responds in a gaslighting manner. We’re also working on emotional regulation and he told me I can’t regulate emotions because I haven’t been taught to do it.
Also, emotions aren’t bad. Let me tell you, your emotions are valid. You are loved. You are valuable.
With those things said, I’m going to go back to work and I’m trying to work on a lot of the things he had said to do at home.