I’m going to tell her I’m depressed. I’m losing cognitive functioning again. My thoughts are slowed or empty after increasing vraylar. I want to take a lot of classes online in math and computer science. I feel like I need a stimulant but they won’t give me one…for good reason. I barely hear voices but when I try to think I can barely do stuff like I used to. The sad thing about SZ is I still have the same hopes and dreams I had when I wasn’t sick.
I’m also getting tired of helping my grandma. I don’t like her attitude at all. I feel trapped but have no where else to go. When I start school next fall, I’m going to have to help her less. She’s going to have to be okay with this or I’m just going to leave. I’m tired of working 20 hours a week. It’s sad because my grand father has dementia and she’s in denial. It’s pretty bad. He might have a year left. But I feel like I’m not part of this family. She’s bitter, mean, and rude. But at the same time, this is better than living with my parents. I feel like my parents have given up on me and left me to do their job.
I am a compassionate and empathetic person but I barely know these people. He’s not even related to me. And my grandma plays favorites with grand children. My mom thinks she’s bipolar. And she’s a bigot! Very racist.
But she is a good person.
I always feel I need adderall or something to feel normal because the meds slow me down. That and I remember taking it in my past lives.
I also feel like I was experimented on by aliens or something. A lot of trauma… I don’t remember anything before 2012…
I feel bad for feeling this way. And it does give me structure and I feel like it does help me helping others. Maybe if I didn’t help, I would be in bed more or something. Maybe I would be moping around.