After I started to slowly regain a sense of self and remission, I began journaling as a tool to stay consistent in recovery. It was suggested but also self-advised. Abilify was a catalyst as it enabled me to be creative, and might even have added some flavor to my sense of confidence. I recall spending a lot of time outside, journaling, and playing the songs I learned on the guitar. Then I went to college and got tricked into trying something chemical but it didnt have an effect instantly. The person who tricked me became a recovery coach.
That might have been when things unraveled. Got kicked out and they assumed the worst in me and I did have some bad behaviors, yet I had a 3.7 Gpa and I appealed them to stay to finish my classes. I also had never done drugs or smoked weed or anything before I went there. But whatever it was, it didnt help–and it made me worse. I have tried to self medicate to fit in mostly, become like normal people. It never helped. I just needed to accept myself for being myself and say f the haters.
But its not me. The me that happened. Maybe thats what people seem to hate. The post-addiction me is still stronger than the addicted and vulnerable. Im not saying people are weak for doing drugs but that it doesnt help or add much to life. I have had to rebuild myself time and time after again but I dont think I have bipolar disorder, I think I sort of just fell into that label due to circumstance or life experiences. The true diagnosis of me would be having limited autism, schizophrenia. No history of violence, criminal record, or ill wishes.
I have always wondered how people tend to get grouped into certain categories and where those overlap and others separate. Maybe one day I will be a mental health advocate for human rights and justice/to people who fall thru gaps in the systems or who end up in situations where the treatment doesnt actually help them. I hope so. I would love to be a patient advocate one day.