Is the strong fear of that thing coming back that abused me. I’m really sure that it was an evil spirit and not my psychosis because it was so different from anything else I’ve ever experienced before and I never experienced it again to that extent after leaving that house. The fear is so much stronger now that I live back in the same hometown as I did when I was abused by it. Sometimes my anxiety is so great I actually will it to come back just so I can end the constant fear and dread that it will come back, as confusing as that is. I have so many bad memories refreshed in my mind coming back to this town. Every time I pass by old places I used to go often I am filled with sadness. Being in this town is toxic to me but I am stuck here for another 2 years miminum until I can become financially independent.
I am so scared of it coming back. My life really was hell.
This is where I had my first major depressive episode that ended my childhood…my first major psychotic episode and the abuse that took my innocence and destroyed me…so much pain happened here…this is where who I was as a person was chewed up and spit out as this warped and broken thing I am now…so many awful awful memories. It’s no wonder I have been badly depressed the whole time since we got here.
I’m sorry. I understand that fear. I spent a long time living in fear of being abused again, too. Have you looked any more into sexual abuse counseling or a support group? It might help you to talk to other people who have gone through a similar thing.
I was really far into recovery before this move. I felt I had healed and no longer even qualified to be diagnosed with ptsd…and then I learned we’d be moving back here and started regressing, getting nightmares again and whatnot…and moving here just sent me over the edge I guess.
It’s all these feelings that have been aggravating my psychosis and depression. It’s definitely something I’ll be working on with my new therapist. I used to be on a support forum for ptsd in the past and stopped going on it when I felt I had “healed” and didn’t have it anymore. Maybe it’s time to go back…definitely a disappointment…
I’m really sorry that you are suffering so much @Anna. It makes me sad to see you have so much difficulties.
But spirits don’t exist. This is irrational thinkings because believing in spirits is not rational!!! I don’t know if you can believe me but at least I would have tried.
I feel the same as when I try to convince my brother, who is also schizophrenic, that his spirits don’t exist. I feel helpless because there is nothing I could do to convince him.
A positive thing though is that I now have a better understanding of why I have been doing so poorly and feel more empowered that I can get help for it
