The window shut.... but then I opened it

I have about a two day delay with stress and sorrow and a lot of things. The window to lucid takes a few days to slam down after a stress episode. It’s a window of time that delays any emotion when something hits. When that window shuts… It takes a lot of help for me to open it.

Well, with all the stress around the place, I was amazed with myself for handling this pretty well. No window shutting. The other nights there was some sleep walking and some delusions and a few things that I’m glad my Dad was around to talk me down from.

But last night it was fire drill time. It’s only January and I’m back on the fire drill. The fire drill panic comes from the very real event of when I was 14, sis was 3 and the house caught on fire on 4th of july. (We both ended up in the burn unit for a few patches of new skin) That incident got me my PTSD badge. (from there I went on to earn my Schizoaffective badge and on up)

I woke up convinced (again) that the place was on fire… I panicked again. It was all there… like always… The heat, the sound, the smell, the fire… so I grabbed my sis and ran out of the house, but unlike previous times, I didn’t call the fire department, I didn’t turn the hose on my sis, and I didn’t start shouting for help in the middle of the street. I just couldn’t get back into the house or let her go into the house until my brain stopped with the fire. But she and I were able to walk, calm it down and this time… not wake the neighbors.

My sis is a pro at this one and since she was in the fire too, she knows exactly what I’m seeing and hearing and how this one is playing my brain. She doesn’t get upset about this one. She just says that it’s good to have a fire drill and a fire escape plan is very wise. (My fire escape plan is to run away in a panic induced psychosis… it works for me)

Calming down a bit, letting go of the panic tension. Breathing. I already know the voices are going to come out and play hard today. But I’m going to take it easy. The bath helped. I can feel the swing coming on too. At least I have some emotion to swing through. So it’s going to be cross wired, disorganized day.

But unlike normal… I’m going to let it flow. I’m going to just let it come and let it go and not beat myself up about it or call myself weak about it or see it as a total failure. It’s just a glitch. I’m not going to hate myself for a glitch. If the swing doesn’t quit swinging, I’ll talk to the Doc on Tuesday.

So far I feel a little shaky… like I’ve just been in a car crash. But that will settle. I’m here typing and not outside running around, screaming at the voices in my head. I’m sitting here, safe and sound. No fire. My sis went back to bed. It’s 3:00 a.m here so she can get a few more hours.

Thank you for being here.

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I get similar reactions about a car accident I was in so I can relate. It was more than 50 years ago but a car can still upset me.

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