I had been depressed for about 5 years, feeling sorry for myself. So I vented out this negative mood in Chinese on a Chinese MI forum. But the way I vented is a bit peculiar. Rather than complaining about the misery of my life I wrote in beautiful language about the beauty I saw in great nature and the warmth of family activities and friendship as well. I posted and posted. Appearantly I was saying how beautiful life was, but deep down I was crying how useless and hopeless I was now.
I left many long, long threads there depicting the beauty of the nature and human life. Only me knowing that these treads were just for venting.
It doesn’t seem that peculiar to me. You seem to love this world and it sounds like you just wish you could be a bigger part of it. That’s understandable.