On on hand, I feel ok. I’m not depressed, I’m taking the dog for a walk every day and enjoying it, I’m sleeping and eating well. The psychology appts are going well too, I feel like I’m gaining a better awareness of the connections between my life experiences, thoughts, and emotions. I’m even planning to apply to do some voluntary work.
The thing is, despite this all sounding so positive, I keep thinking of suicide. Every time something happens to upset me, even the tiniest thing, my immediate thought is that I might as well just kill myself. I don’t plan to act on these thoughts, and yet in my mind I am rehearsing letters to my family and friends to read after my death.
I’ve been suicidal before, but always when I’ve been in a deep depression. I guess what’s really freaking me out is that I don’t feel like I am depressed right now, in fact I feel quite calm and content… it’s just that the slightest thing can send me into a sudden downward spiral and the first thought that springs to mind is that I would be better off dead.
I don’t know what I should do. I haven’t got an appt with my psychiatrist for another month, and I don’t know who I can talk to about this. It’s just that I’m scared of the way I am thinking, especially since it doesn’t make sense in the context of my mood. I’ve never experienced this before, I’m not sure what to do.
Suicidal ideation is still suicidal ideation regardless of how it happens.
So I’d ring your medical team. They might change your meds.
Suicidal ideation shouldn’t be shrugged off really.
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I’m this way. I get suicidal ideation a lot, even when i’m not in a deep depression. @everhopeful is right. You should call up your treatment team and see what they say. They may want to make a change to your meds. Good luck.
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Thanks to you both for your replies. I know I should speak to someone, I always hate having to phone up the MH team if it’s not a scheduled appt, I feel like such a fraud. I think I do need to speak to someone about this, I’m scared of sounding ridiculous though. It just makes no sense to be thinking of suicide when I’m not depressed. I’m just afraid of being seen as a hypochondriac or a fraud. Or on the other hand I don’t want to be sectioned and put in a hospital when I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong apart from these suicidal thoughts. I’m mixed up over it.
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You shouldn’t feel like a fraud or whatever. If you’re having these issues, you need to call them up. When i have these thoughts my pdoc always asks if i have a plan to actually hurt myself or if they’re just thoughts. They won’t necessarily hospitalize you unless you’re a danger to yourself. It may be possible to treat as an outpatient.
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I’m sorry you’re struggling in this way. I’m so glad you aren’t depressed and you feel you’re at a better place! Still, you’re wise to be taking your suicidal thoughts seriously. They won’t be upset or think less of you for calling in. They expect these phone calls. You can’t predict when these thoughts will come, and the professionals understand that. They also understand when the suicidal thoughts are a threat to your life and safety. Trust them to determine next steps of care for you. They only want to see you have some relief. And so do we.
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Thanks @disciple. It’s so confusing to be thinking this way, I’ve thought of ways without actually deciding if you know what I mean. I’ll make the phone call. It’s hard for me to call up and ask for help, the worst part is that I can’t tell my boyfriend, he’d freak out. I’ll have to call in secret, but I’m worried he’ll find out. He’s told me that if I get ill again or get sectioned then it’s over, it’s not that he’s a bad person, it just hurts him so much when I’m not well or in hospital, he can’t bear it. I don’t know how to keep this a secret if I do phone the MH team. But I do feel like I need to speak to them. This is such a hard situation 
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Thanks Louise. I think I need to hear that.
I’m sorry to say it but your boyfriend doesn’t sound very supportive of you. Sz is something you’re always gonna need treatment for and if he’s not on board with that then you really need to question if he’s the one. You have to take care of yourself and if you’re having suicidal thoughts, you definitely need to make that call, regardless of what anybody thinks.
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For what it’s worth , the only time I had suicidal ideation was as a side effect of meds I was on. When I switched meds the problem went away.
I had suicidal ideation on
Respiridal
Seroquel 200mg
Abilify 5mg (it went away on 10mg)
So you might not be ill. It could be the meds or dose not agreeing with you.
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I totally understand why you are saying that, I know how it must look. It’s hard to explain why I can’t hold that against him. I’m just afraid of causing him so much distress if he knows how I really feel. If I ended up in hospital it would cause him unimaginable pain. He has an emotionally unstable personality disorder, he feels things way more intensely than most people. I don’t want to hurt him, but on the other hand I know what you are saying.
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That’s def worth looking into. I’m on lithium, and olanzapine 15mg. I’ve been on that for around a year I think.
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Well @everhopeful made a good point. It could be side effects of whatever meds you’re taking. Consult your pdoc and see what they say. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
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Thank you. Really appreciate all your replies, I’ll try to get up the courage to call MH. I hope I can get this under control, it’s frightening to be thinking this way. You folks are wonderful for all your advice.
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I hope you will ask for and get immediate help for this.
It’s good to see you around.
(Not better off dead)…
Wishing you well
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I had a point when younger when I didn’t think much of living , but was scared of what death would bring.
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Thanks all. I phoned cmht and they got me an emergency appt with my psychiatrist this afternoon. It’s my routine psychology appt, and she’s going to see me then, so my bf won’t know. Depending on what happens I may have to tell him, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
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You’re gonna be okay Turquoise just hold on. Sunny days are ahead…
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Thanks all. My psychiatrist asked me some questions and asked me if I felt I needed to go into hospital. I said no, and she made me promise to call MH if things got any worse. I’m feeling pretty crappy right now, I’m stressing over things I know I shouldn’t stress about but I’m doing my best to keep myself occupied, been walking the dog for miles every day to get some peace from the constant thoughts. I’m not at my best, but I’m hanging in there.
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Please do get help if you’re feeling the urge to commit suicide. The world is better with you in it.
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