The Voices™ and Racism

Whenever I see someone of a different ethnic background, but especially black folks, my voices will start repeating the N-word or other racial slurs. Very loudly. And I feel like the people can hear it.

I have NEVER been racist, furthest thing from it, nor did I ever feel the need to defend myself that I wasn’t racist until The Voices™ started doing this. As a gay man, I don’t believe that racism should thrive in the heart or mind of someone who’s entire social community depends on equality. It’s one of my most stressful (and vile) symptoms.

I’ve started arguing with the voices lately though. So I might see a gorgeous black model, and the voices will start repeating the N-word, so I’ll think over it with something like “No, stunning” or “flawless” or “beautiful.”

Anyone else with similar experiences?

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Any time something despicable occurs to me I manifest it through body language. This is no joke. People can see what I’m thinking, though I’m not really thinking it. I am mortified by my own behavior. I’ve had this problem almost 35 years. I sometimes wish I could try ECT as a way of getting over it.

Today I was in my room and the voices called me peace of ■■■■ and I said I ant ■■■■ but human then they said it wasnt literal but a metaphor for my skin colour

What color is your skin? There’s enough of that crap in the world already, we sure don’t need our illnesses throwing it at us too.

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Unfortunately, our illnesses aren’t known for being kind to us, we just have to make the best of it ourselves.

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I think in many cases, the voices and intrusive thoughts are what will shock and upset you. It’s likely that the fact that you find that word so offensive is what makes it come to mind for you - it grabs your attention and gets a reaction every time.

Maybe practice not getting upset when you hear it? Just note it, understand that it’s not how you would think and doesn’t reflect your feelings, don’t argue with it in your head, just let it go.

I don’t hear voices, but I get terrible intrusive thoughts, always of things that are repugnant to me. They fade away faster when I don’t get upset by them, just observe them and let them go.

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Brown 1515151515

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Brown/Black is beautiful, my voices can ■■■■ off.

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I never listen to mine any way probably the best thing to do.

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I doubt they say anything worth hearing.

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I have this with spelling mistakes, I focus so much on avoiding making the mistake that my writing speed slows down and as I watch each letter I type is still heading towards the mistake but I can’t stop it. Then after the mistake is made I can go back and correct it at normal speed again. Fortunately it doesn’t happen super often, only when manic I think.

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Yeah. I get that, too. I’ll be on my way to the store and the voices say that they’l make me say racial slurs out loud. It never happens, though. Better to ignore it.

Bee 3. I do transcribing sometimes and I do the same thing. I made a lot of short cuts using AutoCorrect on Word, so I only have to hit one, two, or three letters for the most common words. Like ‘st then space bar’ will write the word something, or ‘ot space bar’ for the word other. It helps. The less keys to hit, the less mistakes.

My voices would love to pick on my sensitivity to race. I normally don’t think about race, but they would use the n word and try to get me to. They would also tell me that they were different ethnicities to see if I would think something dumb about it. It was very distressing. They finally admitted I wasn’t a racist, but I never thought I was. So you are not alone.

It seems that entities/voices will manifest (content-wise) from any material the brain has ever been exposed to. So sometimes the content might come from more personal, internal things, and sometimes the content might come from external stimuli. And sometimes the two can play into each other, as well. So for example if you feel very strongly about social equality, then it’s a “hot button” issue for you, and so if your psychosis tends to have a very persecuting angle to it, then that’s one issue that might get triggered (so to speak) and combine with the psychosis.

But if you really analyze it up close, first of all racism isn’t a matter of words. An auditory hallucination shouting the “n word” is a case of the hallucination being provocative and upsetting you by using a very taboo word. Lots of people’s auditory hallucinations follow the same theme, as far as the words/sentences being very upsetting content, often degrading, persecuting or otherwise hostile. Either towards the self, towards others or both. Since you’ve grown up in a culture where your brain has identified that the “n word” is sometimes used as hostile or degrading language towards black people, that is the element that part of the mechanism in the psychosis is latching onto, the fact that it’s a hostile word, and the hostility is the underlying factor. If one’s brain perceived that “pineapple” was a hostile word, then a hostile auditory hallucination might wind up calling you a pineapple, or calling other people pineapples.

Racism goes way beyond mere words. It’s a matter of beliefs, attitudes and in some case institutionalized practices that place one or more races ‘above’ or ‘below’ one or more other races in a hierarchy, whether it’s a hierarchy of social respect, legal rights, various opportunities or so on. I’m sure people who are much more educated on the topic than I am could give an even more in depth explanation.

Then there is also subconscious racism than isn’t malignant in nature but is more conditioned-fear based. This is the sort that is a lot more difficult to identify in one’s self and so it can rear its ugly head from time to time without us realizing it. Most people think of racism as being evil, hateful, angry, hostile, etc. But some of racism is just fear-based and subconscious from the negative stereotypes churned out by entertainment media and news, and then a furthermore fear from those who are depicted in a negative way (group A fearing that other groups will be hostile to them, as a result of those groups fearing that group A is hostile). This is something that people generally can’t help (i.e. getting a physiological anxiety response if they run into Race A on a walk at night, but not an anxiety response if they run into Race B on the same walk). But being aware of it is still a significant step in the right direction.

So anyway, on top of everything else, if you have been conditioned by your culture to have a subconscious fear response towards a group of people, and then your fight/flight/freeze survival mechanism is all very intertwined, then fear (flight) can also slip over into hostility (fight), and if you have persecuting/paranoid psychosis on top of everything, then that material can warp itself in the throes of a hallucination.

This wouldn’t mean that you are some evil racist ****bag or anything, but just that psychosis often pokes and pulls at the fears and vulnerabilities that we already have, the material that we have already absorbed, even if we don’t agree with that material that we have observed and absorbed into our subconscious/memory from our culture. We might not agree with it, but we still saw and heard all that we have throughout our life, it still became a part of our perceived reality. So you might have a subconscious fear that you can’t even help, while also being terrified of being racist because you feel so strongly about social equality, then you get paranoid and/or persecuting psychosis and bam, you hallucinate slurs.

I grew up in an extremist Evangelical environment, where the fear of hell and demons was really drilled into our heads all the time growing up. It’s really no coincidence that a lot of my psychosis later in life had demonic themes.

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Very very helpful post, thank you.

My most common voice is a shape shifter. He was originally a kid my age, middle eastern. then he became black, then he switched back. If I remember right, he would talk about his hatred for white people sometimes. Then a few years ago he started taking the form of a middle aged, loud-mouthed cowboy. And he was racist against blacks, heh.

I am a minority and I heard racial slurs against everyone–my own culture included! It was hellish.

You are not alone. Just disengage yourself from it somehow, like tell yourself that the voices do not represent how YOU think or what you want in your head, that you are just sick.
I for one understand and I appreciate your honesty!

Could these by autistic remarks somewhat. I have a feeling that you don’t believe in hatred, nor you feel it in your heart.

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I’ve been stuck on a ‘racial’ loop that got it’s start from actual things I’ve heard, but never believed in personally.
It unfotunately took on a life of it’s own, and it’s been hell trying to keep it from escaping my mouth- because the last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt someone by hearing it.

tbh i have a problem when i dont take my medicine. i become racist.