The trouble I have

Is that when I experience anxiety, I don’t think “Oh wow I’m really stressed” I immediately think “I want to die”. Then I end up going into suicidal ideation and fantasies. I am learning to say “I don’t want to kill myself, I just have a lot on my plate right now and am very stressed. This time will pass and it will be ok.”


Almost like a gag reflex, It’s terrible so I’ll kill myself so I won’t have to deal with it…but for me, the situation never really changed until I learned not to use that as a choice, because it forced me to deal with the issue at hand.

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Have you done much mindfulness, Anna? I can’t remember. But spending some time learning to identify your feelings as they happen could really help. I was bad at it for a long time with similar results as yours (only I shoved my feelings down until I was suicidal over pulling weeds in my garden).

Yes, sometimes those feelings come up over minor things for me as well. Right now I do have quite a bit going on though, with my family’s upcoming move and registering for classes, finding a way to transport my rats, I have a big trip next week, my mom’s out of town so I’m responsible for running the house with all the kids, the list goes on…

I tried to take a deep breath and dream of a peaceful future rather than a bloody end to the present.