The Stress of Playing Normal

I’m so sick of just maintaining equilibrium to not bother or stand out to anyone. I’m sick of not being able to talk about what’s really going on inside of me. No one cares. No one wants to hear about it. It’s too uncomfortable.
Everyone is pretending to a certain extent. No one talks about how they really feel.
But with my husband I can’t even share things about myself or my son and how sz affects us. My husband says, “you can talk to me about it.” But when I try to, he has literally nothing to say. No questions, no response. I could also talk to a rock… equally satisfying, but less hurtful because I have no expectations of a rock…
My husband has never once asked anything about sz. Don’t you think it’s something to be curious about? He’s never researched anything about it. His wife and her son have a disability, but because we’re both functioning on a passable level it might as well not exist. That’s not fair. We both struggle. And I worry so much about my son and there’s no sharing that with anyone.
I’m tired of being alone even amongst people. I’m tired of the stress of acting normal, which apparently is the same as pretending everything’s ok.

10 Likes

It frustrates me too that

A) I can’t talk about it in real life
B) Nobody who is supposed to care actually cares

I feel your pain…

2 Likes

Yeah I know the feeling. My mom gets mad at me sometimes for taking about stuff. I find talking to a counselor helps. I’ve really tried to be open with mental health professionals. It helps

1 Like

we hear want to hear about it…even though its through the internet…IMO a good samartian in real life understands and also cares…only the truly wise can understand IMO most are ignorant to our condition but I know WHY most refuse to want to know about our issues

1 Like

Yes! Exactly, @everhopeful. Nobody who is supposed to care actually cares! Is it really that hard to talk about? Am I asking fo too much attention??? Thank you, although I’m sorry that you relate. :heartbeat:

2 Likes

Why, @san_pedro? Why doesn’t anyone want to know?

there is many reasons to why they don’t want to know…and I know all there reasons

Just because it’s uncomfortable? Because it’s scary? What is it? For my husband, is it too difficult to admit he married someone like me? Does looking the other way and pretending everything’s alright make it less embarrassing or regretful for him? What do you think, @san_pedro?

this is very deep but I read in a book years ago schizophrenia is the modern day leprosy in a lot of there eyes…what people don’t understand they fear from what they have heard or seen ,books, media ,tv ect…we are stigmatized because of this…because I know why I risen above this and I choose not to let it effect me in any way, ive grown strong and mature…lets face it society stigmatizes a lot of things not only mental health stuff…the list is endless…I believe us on this site are the lucky ones…

2 Likes

Some people just aren’t good at reaching out. You can understand how hard it would be for a normie to relate to what we go though as sz’s. Maybe you could look for someone who is good at listening. In any city of very much size they have twelve step groups called “emotions anonymous”. It’s for people who don’t have an addiction, but who have a terribly hard time functioning in daily life. You might try one of those.

1 Like

This whole train of thought/feeling upset today started with my husband and I watching a program about little people. One of the couples is a regular sized person and a little person and they’re having a baby who will also, they found out, be a little person. So my husband says to me, “I know you would still love him, but aren’t you glad that (your son) doesn’t have that burden in his life if being a little person?” And I said yes, but that sz has taken things away from and disabled both myself and my son. I told him that no one can see my son’s disability so they just wonder why he doesn’t drive, etc. In some ways it’s harder to have a disability that no one can see… My husband had nothing to say…
So frustrating.
But, you’re right, @san_pedro. I appreciate the wisdom. :heart:

2 Likes

Thanks, @crimby. I live in a small mountain town. Anything having to do with civilization is about 30-40 minutes away.
I don’t want to talk to strangers. I want the people who supposedly love me to care enough to stretch themselves for me…
I know you’re trying to help. I appreciate your advice.

yeah it is stressful. I am tired of playing normal… trying hard and harder and harder… move on, do things, push further. what should I do? life is a struggle.
life is what you make it yourself. :o)

1 Like

I know what you mean. I pretend to be normal to everybody. It makes me feel lonely. I wish I could just be myself. I hope your situation gets better. Maybe you could tell your husband that it hurts you that he doesn’t talk to you. Ask him to express himself more.

1 Like

My ex of 25 years had the theory, If I close my eyes does it go away?
He not once had ever had a conversation with me in which we actually conversed.
He told me that he was not interested in anything I Though, supposed, guessed, or anything that was not a simple fact, and sharing facts, was the only reason people communicated, to exchange info, and info equaled facts.

I couldn’t stand the silence when there should have been words, any words, preferably for support, but, as he told me, that ain’t going to happen.
He also said he didn’t want me to tell him anything, because he wasn’t intrested, and to only talk to him if it was something he could “fix” otherwise, don’t waste my time trying to talk to him, he was too busy for me.

Not sure why we lasted 25 years, but looking back, it was the most hollow, empty, vacant time in my entire life.
I did at least appreciate his honesty about telling me this, but it cut deep, hurt so much that it literally shut me down for most of the marriage.
Some people just aren’t capable of giving us what they need, but there are folks out there that can, the trick is finding them.
My current husband is completely different than my ex. He actually listens to me, and doesn’t try to “fix” me, but accepts my quirks and needs. It’s strange and wonderful.

1 Like

Your ex sounds like a robot. I’m sorry you went through that and I’m so glad that you’re with someone more compassionate now!
My husband is a good man with a kind heart. I wanted someone who had a normal family (as much as possible) and who had no real issues of his own. I have enough issues of my own… So, I found this super normal guy with a stable family/happy childhood, etc. I asked for it in that regard.
He has literally no understanding of my psyche or my experiences. That’s the trade-off, I guess, and I can’t blame him for that.
It’s lonely sometimes, and it’s frustrating. I do wish he was more curious and that he would try to understand more, but I think that’s where his fear comes in and he gets freaked out. He has lived in a safe place whereas I never have…
I am in a less agitated frame of mind today and I understand that I need to consider what his needs are as well.

Sadly I don’t think there is much to say in those situations. I know my parents are absolutely baffled with my problems, they accept them now but don’t understand and don’t really know what to do about it. My dad gives me well-meaning but ultimately poor and uninformed advice when I talk to him about things. When I talk to my mom about something I’m struggling with she says “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that” and honestly I think that’s the best you can do in that situation. How else are you supposed to respond to the crazy and horrible things we experience on a daily basis? There aren’t any words.

If you want someone to talk in depth with you about your illness and help you learn to live with it, see someone who is trained to do so like a therapist. Loved ones roles in this situation is really just to give us a hug and kind words, and sometimes help with things we can’t do ourselves during difficult times.

1 Like

That’s very wise, @Anna. I do need a therapist again.
I still think my husband could take more interest and overcome his whatever it is that stops him, but I probably expect too much.
Thanks for the advice. :heart:

1 Like

I do know that people avoid what they don’t know, and rather than “open a can of worms” and find themselves in a situation they can’t control, they end up doing what they always done…nothing.

1 Like

Have you considered joining a support group? That could be a nice way of getting to talk about it with someone who’s interested and wants to help. I’m not sure if that’s your cup of tea, but the ones I’ve attended mostly haven’t been so bad.

2 Likes