The Self Loathing Evil Voice In My Head

Does anyone else deal with hearing their own voice in their head? What about a voice that’s constantly putting your own self down! I’m talking about saying horrible disrespectful disgusting mean things about yourself! Because that is me everyday!

Ppl wonder why I have good clap backs or isn’t bothered when ppl name call me, that’s because no one could ever top the evil things I say to myself about myself in my head. This is something that is constant very loud and so overbearing that I have to turn my music volume up, cusp my hands over my ears or just shout shut up out of nowhere!

These self dragging session could be triggered by anything I deem stupid embarrassing or not done right by me and that’s pretty much any and everything. For example, smiling at a random guy at the grocery store would get me “I’m a low down dog face turtle tank smell dirty two dollar prostitute whos only for the alleys” in how ever many disrespectful ways you say it.

After an episode of extreme self loathing, it takes me back to the depression state I just used my energy to work out of. I feel defeated and exactly like the very thing my voice told me I was.

I’ve carried this evil voice in my head since I was young and it’s kept me feeling worthless, doing worthless crap and getting treated like I was worthless for a long time. When good ppl came around the voice told me they were just tricked and in time they would see the worthlessness in me and I believe it so I spend my entire life learning how to please ppl even if that meant being a doormat. Out of fear of these verbal attacks I was able to pick up on ppl emotions and was able to quickly read them by first impressions and would try to be exactly what they wanted so they wouldn’t see I was “worthless”. I didn’t care if I got treated like a POS…anything not to hear that voice.

The stupid voice bothered me so much I couldn’t take it at one point and tried to kill it and myself in the process even though I had kids and a husband. That voice already had me thinking they were better off without me sooo…

It took a looonnnnggggggg while but I’m a lot better and a lot stronger! I’m definitely more confident and love myself more than I ever have but something that no one knows is the freaking voice is still here…IT NEVER WENT AWAY!! I can handle it a little better but I still get nervous when I hear it because it really has a hold on me.

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I had a stressful day yesterday with a lot of driving and being around crowds. I started hearing voices belittle me too and mess with me. I took 1/2 a Xanax and felt better. I don’t take Xanax often just when I feel overwhelmed and socially anxious

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I have good clap backs too although not always in the moment. It’s more after the fact

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