It feels like no one a therapist or otherwise has ever really attempted to pick apart my brain. I have been hitting brick wall after wall. I do feel connected with the autism spectrum. So I focus and pre-occupy on the same stupid ideas over and over. I repeat myself over and over. He said, “People with autism are freaks. No way you have autism” I love people with autism. I feel like I see myself reflected in how they behave. The monotone voice/not “affect” or avolition. Its different. No I cant feel the full emotional spectrum.
Meds like vyvanse, adderall, and abilify have been overall the only effective meds. I never had emotional outbursts, I do not know where the schizoffective or bipolar comes from. Sure I burst out in tears out of frustration. It was never genuine sadness. Prozac made me panic attack anxious. Strattera made me up the wall in mania or whatever. So that is mania? High energy and insomnia? Not stopping to sleep? Drinking too many energy drinks? I hate highs/lows but was never emotional. I have burst out crying randomly but not because I was sad, just randomly frustrated or upset and I used to be more empathetic on movies but life hasn’t been too easy I have learned my entire life…
To mimic the behavior of others to fit in. I appear and act like i should or think I should appear or act. I wore the curvy jeans, I spun in circles and talked to trees and loved being alone. But I did not hear voices. I did not have those hallucinations. It was when I couldn’t take it anymore that i broke. I broke, but it doesn’t mean I am a constant psychosis…in fact I dont even know what psychosis is. If its hearing voices, well the adderall made me psychotic because I was hearing them this morning but then it went away and if its feeling tears fall from frustration, man…
If I had schizophrenia instead of autism maybe I would know how to feel love or emotion. But I do love people. I live to exist. I love the feeling or sensation of warm sunlight, I love the feeling of clear cleansing water or warmth in my shoulders, I love to be who i am and not be told I was wrong or condemned for being unusual or not the standard behaviors.
So I think its probz common for a lot of us with autism spectrum to have difficult childhoods bullied to the brink of breaking down, so that doesnt have to define us and we should stop labeling ourselves into extinction. I empathize as in I relate or imagine how it would be to be a woman who never knew or was understood for exactly what it was that made her so unique, so different, so special but was not allowed to be called special.
So maybe I do not need an evaluation–mere expression of this has helped me feel better. Confirmed to myself the reflections of what I have left missing/the missing pieces of the puzzle. I would just love to be able to tell people how I feel and why I dont seem happy or sad. Its because I have never been capable of comprehending it-------no matter how ■■■■■■■ hard I have tried and I am a Genius IQ so I am great at hiding the world thats inside me from the worlds outward ideals. I think adderall would help me a ton, because I can at least Conjure this right now and not feel shamed because I did something ususual and broke a silent static misogynistic view of what I wasnt/
Being misunderstood is tricky. I wish normal people could fathom this. I wish my dad would see that I dont comprehend him when he says Im thick headed or I contradict him or I dont comprehend his emotions or frustrations or whatever. I cant be him. I am not like him or my mom at all. My mom was outwardly bipolar manic and had post partum depression…I never had a full range of emotions but the earliest i recall was crying for being sent to my room as punishment for hours on end–and just wishing they would come and say its ok time out is over, you can come down now and join the adults…we still love you…I wasn’t a stupid child, I was overly ahead of people. I mean I had the same intelligence at age nine as age thirty two…nothing has changed…im stuck in this…
Dont wanna take adderall or vyvanse because its taboo and a stimulant…not sure what else would help me ever…I Hate the idea Im a freak for having autism. But maybe that makes more sense than loose assocations…maybe its just harder for me for some reason…dont cry, I feel like this might offend or upset someone…I feel sick…yes i can empathize/feel hurt. I feel pain or hurt…but I want to know what love and emotions feel like…and its sad…but if this is autism than I have to stop pretending it will ever change because it cant physically or biologically I am structurally completely hardwired to be different and I never fit in because of this and the genetics I inherited.
I would be happier to have autism than schizophrenia. I cant imagine wanting to live a chronic illness that when u stop meds u start hearing voices or talking to walls or thinking there are bugs in the ceiling or tv. But I kinda learned that and I am eccentric or weird. U could just tell me it was a freaking delusion and I would believe u. I was rebellious. I welcomed the episodes…I mean I did have a lot of confusion…I mean it might be like autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, and adhd all at once but can we
Libelous labels or libelous commercials?
Because I am not satisfied so throw in a pre-occupation with labels and OCD…I wish there was a peaceful happy story life and i think i give up on the bipolarity of it all… I would rather continue numbed to earth beings…and forget this erratic nonsense and stop appearing crazy…like I try to say funny things i sound stupid or off. No one laughs with me they laugh about me or hate me for stupid shi i said…or whatever…is that schizophrenia?
Is schizophrenia having no surface to rise above, no ground to walk upon, no world to grasp at…is schizophrenia being borderline confused and id crisis after crisis is schizophrenia wanting so bad to fit in u do every drug in existence and then shrooms where it ends u find urself stuck in a family guy episode and ur ex shows up in a ballerina outfit and ur house is falling apart and every dude u meet is batshit with a bat or is that just how it is to be an outcast blacksheep no one can box or a square that cant fit into a circle or weed thats blue not purple the end…
Have fun in silence.