George Harrison released an album, “All Things Must Pass”…
I’ve felt hopeless, suicidal, empty, crazy, deluded, invisible, and every other bad feeling you can think of for long periods of time. I don’t care. I’m a recovering addict, I do endlessly stupid, idiotic things and I make 23 bad decisions a day and collect 37 new problems every day. I don’t care. All of these things ended up being temporary.
I’m 56 years old with a bad back and not very brave and I live with 20-25 people who would love to kick my ass, both men and women alike. So what? I thrive on cowards who try to intimidate me. Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration but even though I don’t like things about my digs, I seem to be able to dish out a little and win sometimes and as a bonus people tend to like me.
Why do I write this? Because I’m 56 years old with a bad back. But I have so many great moments every day. I certainly do not want to get hurt or hurt anyone, I try to tell people that it makes me happier to be nice to someone then be mean or scare someone. But I was born with no natural gifts that it seems everyone on these forums has but me.
But I’ve had a lot of success and I’ve ended up a pretty nice person. I’m sorry if I’m talking about myself so much but I’m trying to make a point. I did not grow up good-looking, I was not a natural athlete, my social skills were nil in high school. I was pretty much invisible in school. BUT, I still did tons of cool, fun things as a kid and I had good friends. My point is that I am the eternal underdog and I am in your shoes. I gave you my list of faults, I doubt anyone is clamoring to be me.
But I slept in Saturday morning and woke up feeling pretty down. But I got up and drove downtown and did an errand. It was a nice sunny day, and I jet around town in my Volkswagen Jetta and I love mornings like this when I can just drive around town enjoying the big city with its big buildings and its beautiful architecture and its interesting people and feel compassion for the poor homeless mentally ill people wandering down the streets. I turned out to a pretty nice human being despite my 37 years of paranoid schizophrenia.
My family likes and respects me. I try to be nice as I can because it makes me happy and it makes other happy when I talk to them. I mean no harm. I am happy sometimes. Today, I talked to people. Such a simple statement, but a powerful statement for me personally. I’ve missed out on the most basic human interactions much of my life. So now, every time I talk to people it is like the Superbowl and the World Series combined. Now that I’m older being able to talk to people is sweet.
I have my doubts about my living situation. It’s kind of up in the air whether I will like this place. I thought I hated it but I’m starting to come around. I’m a survivor. A miserable, happy survivor who just aced the first quiz in his class. Who had a breakdown last year and had to spend three days in the psyche ward at age 56 after staying out for 25 years. I lost everything. But now I’ve been back to work almost a year and a half now. I am taking this class, I have people who want to be my friend. I am nice to women and they appreciate it. I’ve been treated bad in the past. But that’s water under the bridge. I have no hate or bitterness in me (or very little anyways, lol).
Anyways, I just felt like putting this down. Tomorrow I may hate my life. But there’s a good chance I will like and enjoy it. I hope someone gets something from this. You make your own luck and your fortunes can turn on a dime. That’s life, and we are all in the same boat. I’m not the smartest guy bit I’m not the dumbest either. Good night people. God bless.