The Real Chemical Lobotomy

It all came back to me one night four years ago. I was laying in bed in an inpatient dual diagnosis house, one of those real upscale places, when suddenly I could smell the chemicals again and feel the indescribable ache behind my forehead as they ate away at my frontal lobe or whatever it was that these toxic vapors had done to my brain.

This was a flashback I experienced, a flashback to something out of my delusional memories but one that was very real in terms of smells and sensations. I believed at the time that this was the night my brain began to truly heal it’s self. I of course, in my more rational moments don’t believe this is something that ever actually happened. But it’s difficult, difficult and incredibly frustrating to remain convinced for long periods of time.

The memory I speak of is of on multiple occasions being forced into a straight jacket and having had my head strapped into some sort of vice as my off and on psychiatrist of nine years Dr. G held a vile of some sort of toxic chemical under my nose and as my mouth was covered I was forced eventually to let go and inhale. As I would inhale there would be that indescribable ache behind my forehead and everything would seem so suddenly distant, so unreal as if my very soul were parting from my own mind.

I don’t know how many instances of this vile treatment I suffered throughout my delusions, all I know is that it was many times. What I do know is what I can “remember” hearing them say as I was drifting so painfully, so uncomfortably out of my senses. They would talk about “synapses” being “severed” and laugh about how retarded I was going to be. I can remember this modern day lobotomist telling Dr. G that he could now tell me anything he liked and I’d believe it.

I remember him in fits of frustration saying mumbling “you’re supposed to be retarded!” “They said it would make you retarded!” But no, not retarded, just passive, very passive and naïve and without the “self” that is so critical to posses in this world of ours…

I know, I know, it is a delusion, but such a real if distant and vague delusion it is!

I think it’s important to admit that it’s a delusion to get rid of it, I did that, I believed in something that defies logic but I knew that it’s not true, this way the delusions fade with time.

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Oh just as I said I know it’s a delusion but get rid of it I never will as these thousands of delusional memories are with me to stay whether I believe in them or not.

It’s as if these thousands of false memories were literally seared into my mind when they began to come to me. It wasn’t just that I was going through a schizophrenic psychosis though as I was also experiencing dissociation due to the sudden remembrance of a traumatic event that had occurred eight years prior. I’d be talking all about something one day and the next day someone would ask me about it and I’d have no idea what they were talking about. There was also a particular person’s name that I would black out when spoken and would come to having not heard anything.

I’m just glad I was in a safe and beautiful place when I was going through all this and surrounded by for the most part supportive and caring people.