Schizophrenia.com

The ramblings of an upset madwoman

These are mostly unfiltered thoughts and for the most part to be disregarded. I just need to get them out of my head and put them somewhere else so that they will stop bothering me.

I’m sorry I’m so sorry. I ■■■■■■■ hate myself, I’m no good and I deserve to be thrown away like the trash I am. I don’t deserve you or anybody else. Even the most heinous of criminals is too good for me. I deserve to hurt and to bleed. I don’t deserve happiness, or joy, or peace. I deserve to rot away until I am nothing but a fraction of what I once was. My help is of no help. I hurt people. I mess it up. I deserve to die. And then to be forgotten. For if I am forgotten then they shall not know the pain I caused. Then they can move on from my horrible existence and find someone better. Someone to make them happy. Someone to bring them joy. Someone who has patience who won’t bring turmoil. Someone who is stable. Someone who isn’t waiting on the edge of their seat just waiting for the moment when they will inevitably break again. For me to be in their lives when I break again would be like them being in Pompeii when the volcano explodes. I do not want to bring that pain and suffering to them. I wish to simply vanish from existence and to be no more. For then I cannot hurt myself and I cannot hurt others. To be nothing is to be rid of the nightmares. To be nothing is to be rid of the things poking at the edge of my mind. Just waiting for the right time to finally come out again.

I do not deserve to eat or drink. But I shall for I am to weak to resist the needs of my body. I do not deserve love or compassion. I deserve these nightmares that plague me. These memories that haunt me. These false hallucinations that stalk me. All the pain and suffering is only a fraction of what I’ve caused others. I am a despicable being hiding in the clothes of a young girl and any who get close will eventually regret it. I do not deserve relief from my guilt.

Wow, you really sound like laetitia right now. I hope you feel better after getting it out.

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I do not know who that is.

Don’t ever put yourself down. I can feel your pain. You’re an amazing person. The people around you love you more than you think.

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It’s another member who posts similar stuff on this board about how much she hates herself and how worthless she is. I’ve learned that it is better to just let the person get it out of their system than to try to convince them otherwise.

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That is why I wrote this to simply get it out for paper (or technology) holds thoughts and emotions much better than us humans do. Usually I try not to post unhappy stuff like this but it has been especially rough today and I just wanted to feel heard, which is why I posted it instead of just keeping it in my journal. To feel like I’m heard and not alone is an amazing and relieving thing. I do know that it is not good for me to focus on only negatives so I posted the other side of myself. To try to balance myself out.

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Thank you. I do know that they love me. It’s just that my dark thoughts were so overwhelming that I couldn’t focus on their love or the good things I do. But now the thoughts are out here instead of in my head so now they can no longer overshadow the bright things. I’m not going to lie and say everything is okay now but I have definitely released some built up emotional pressure.

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Glad you could get it off your chest!

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i hope you feel better now… it sucks to feel that negative about yourself =/

If you are feeling suicidal or having a mental health crisis, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.

You can also call a crisis intervention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries. You do not need to be actively suicidal to benefit from a crisis hotline.

International crisis hotlines:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Crisis hotlines in the U.S.:

More resources:

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You need help immediately. Try talking to a crisis line. If that doesn’t work you should go to the ER

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I tried saying that most of those statements should be disregarded. They are impulsive thoughts. I am not actually suicidal at the moment. I was just experiencing a lot and needed to get it out. I new that I would feel a lot better by just getting it out like this.

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I know, and I understand. But the crisis lines are helpful for more than just suicide. I use them when im having a panic attack.

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