These are mostly unfiltered thoughts and for the most part to be disregarded. I just need to get them out of my head and put them somewhere else so that they will stop bothering me.
I’m sorry I’m so sorry. I ■■■■■■■ hate myself, I’m no good and I deserve to be thrown away like the trash I am. I don’t deserve you or anybody else. Even the most heinous of criminals is too good for me. I deserve to hurt and to bleed. I don’t deserve happiness, or joy, or peace. I deserve to rot away until I am nothing but a fraction of what I once was. My help is of no help. I hurt people. I mess it up. I deserve to die. And then to be forgotten. For if I am forgotten then they shall not know the pain I caused. Then they can move on from my horrible existence and find someone better. Someone to make them happy. Someone to bring them joy. Someone who has patience who won’t bring turmoil. Someone who is stable. Someone who isn’t waiting on the edge of their seat just waiting for the moment when they will inevitably break again. For me to be in their lives when I break again would be like them being in Pompeii when the volcano explodes. I do not want to bring that pain and suffering to them. I wish to simply vanish from existence and to be no more. For then I cannot hurt myself and I cannot hurt others. To be nothing is to be rid of the nightmares. To be nothing is to be rid of the things poking at the edge of my mind. Just waiting for the right time to finally come out again.