Schizophrenia.com

The pain of creative works

I’ve realized now that the major struggle with creative arts/works is that you’re not likely to want to try for a few reasons. Usually, instead of facing the fear and just trying anyway, I see that this a major source of why people give in to other habits instead. In my case, it’s foods/games.

Now, it’s not to say that food and games are ‘bad’. But when they become a go-to because of a response to that uncomfortable feeling that surfaces? That’s essentially what addiction is and how they form.

Lately, I’ve been trying my hand at drawing more because I’ve always wanted to create something fun from imagination.

So then with that I realized there a few reasons I start to turn away from trying:

Fear of failure, or rather the fear that you’re not going to meet your expectations and feel let down/disappointed

Fear of criticism/critiques. Because if you’re not accustomed to it, critiques don’t sound like something positive. It registers as some kind of personal attack! No matter how preposterous I can tell myself that feeling is, it still occurs.

Wanting someone to share the enthusiasm with me is a kind of pain. And in my environment no one is receptive to feeling happy/excited. It’s a pretty dead environment. My niece said this herself that this is a problem for her also.

Then the other pain I guess is knowing I’ll have to step out of the comfort zone and find others that share the passion/have more knowledge. Which kind of goes back to fear of critiques/criticisms. But also feeling afraid of people seeing your… unpleasant other half or negative tendencies…

Either way, I give myself credit for trying it. When otherwise everyone in my environment has been pretty dead-set on trying to pinpoint me as the source of their pains/problems because I don’t ‘work’ like they do.

But then, why do they work? Don’t you think that’s their problem? They went into getting a job knowing full well it meant throwing away a large portion of their time/life for a paycheck. And who told them to give up their dreams?

Actually, I want to argue, that’s the problem. They didn’t give up their dreams, they just don’t know they have them anymore - or that a part of them still does want more than they think they can get. But then, the why they gave up those dreams? Probably because of the reasons I already listed above, yeah? It seems obvious to me.

But if they truly ‘accepted’ the fact that work would be a part of their life for the rest of their life, they wouldn’t be so angry at someone else for it. It doesn’t make sense unless you account for the fact that the truth is they do want more out of life and THAT’s why they get so angry. They’re angry with themselves more so than me… It’s not about me at all.

Anyway, I just realized Van Gogh is right of course, that if you feel like you can’t do something, then do it anyway. It helps to an extent. But I still have to find lessons to improve art so that I can accomplish what I want. Otherwise, when I want a snack (because the unpleasant feelings do arise), I opt for an alternative like an apple or something homemade that isn’t loaded with sugar/oils/etc.

The life of a diehard creative is cursed, as a rule. The likelihood that you’ll make something that people will beat a path to your door for is exceedingly slim. And you won’t feel fulfilled until you get that either. Non-creative work will feel draining to you.

Best answer I can give you is do some part-time work to fund your passion. Something you can tolerate. Doesn’t have to be life-affirming.

This may seem a platitude but could it be that you are more focused on the output than on the process? I find that my best bits arose without a plan to make them. I would just engage in music or writing only to find out where it took me along the way.

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Well, it makes sense to say to be more concerned with the process than output/results.

But, at present I just feel too isolated and its hard to cope with that.

That, and I want to progress so much more so that I can produce more of what I’m imagining with ease.

That means, having more knowledge/practice with drawing.

Right now, I’m working on something I imagined, but I’m having some blocks that is making it hard to finish it/get the results I want.

I do find it exciting and fun to work on, but social isolation is a ■■■■■ and makes it even harder to focus.

I get frustrated thinking, “How does no one else feel this level of isolation like I do? Or is it that they’re all just ‘coping’ the feeling away?”. It horrifies me.