The only reason I would want to be young again is for the energy

I wouldn’t want to go through all the stupid crap I did in my teens and twenties. I was very unhappy then in my relationships, vocationally and socially. I used to talk to my dad a lot when I first got ill when I was in my twenties. I used to see all these happy people who seemingly had it made and many times I would tell my dad, “Man, I wish I was that guy. Or I wish I was someone else.”

My dad told me something about something I’m starting to see in myself at age 57. 40 years ago he told me that even with all his own faults and failings he told me he would not want to be anyone else. He says he said he sees all our family friends and people from our church and once he got to know them well, despite their outward appearance he told me they were actually some weird people and had problems that he did not want. They usually had more money than us but he wasn’t jealous of any of them.

My twenties were just filled with problems even besides the schizophrenia.

I’ve always kind of been the square peg trying to fit in the round hole. A lot of my friends even after I got in the system were better looking than me and way more at ease around women then me. I just didn’t say the right things and actually hardly said anything at all to anybody back then. So much awkwardness, I always felt I no control over anything or like I had no power. Felt unliked.

I am much happier now, more comfortable in my own skin. I know my faults and I get used to them.

But I do miss being up for just about anything my friends wanted to do and ready at a moments notice to go to a club or out to eat or party across town. It made me get into some messed up situations but at least I had the physical (and mental) energy to do those things when I was young.

Yes, energy is important.

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