The meds really dull the mind, but they have their benefits. I learned to lower my expectations and dreams. A PhD in math is very hard. Probably one of the hardest things to do.
I used to study mathematics at the upper division level for undergraduate. Even with a healthy mind, it is hard. I’ve seen normal people struggle and even cry. But I’ve also seen ‘prodigies’ and people who breeze through it.
I think you’re pushing yourself too hard, maybe trying to match your father’s success. My father is a mechanic (foreman) and he never really saw the importance of school. He valued work and making it on your own.
I’m looking to get a menial job someday. I’m not interested in women mainly because I have low self-esteem from being fat and being jobless and because they cost money.
With med dulling, it can go either way. Some people benefit from a quieter mind. Others, like myself, see decreased working memory and pattern finding. I used to think in patterns. Now, my mind is blank a lot or full of traumatic memories or delusions from parallel universes. But it’s better than 24/7 panic and fear of not being real or things not being real and being stuck in my head.
Those objects you mentioned are not real! Elyn Saks used to think people in the sky were messing with her thoughts and her school work. It’s just not real. For the longest time, Elyn Saks refused meds too because she thought they made her weak and were a crutch. She now takes her meds and is very happy.
For me, I wanted to get a PhD in economics (it’s easier than math) but now I’m focused on taking care of myself and making sure my room is clean, my hygiene is good, and everything else. Honestly, I struggle with the basics still, even after 7 years. I’m just trying to survive now.
I sometimes sense an aura of superiority from you. Maybe you look down on us. You don’t like people on this forum giving you advice to take meds. I hated meds until I found Vraylar. It took 7 years of hell for me to find the right med that mostly works. The whole med thing sucks: A med that works for one person might not work for another.
I’m not going to convince you that you need meds. But even exercising for 10-12 hours a day seems dangerous. You need to think long term. Think of statistics.
I feel like a lot of my time is learning to re-think and letting the medicines prune the faulty neurons and synapses in my brain.
I’m getting better in many ways and I learned to accept my meds. It’s shitty sometimes.
I had severe visual impairment that has mostly gone away. The downside is now I cannot drive as much. It doesn’t make sense. But internally, I suffer less.
The people around me are happy I take meds and I get to stay out of the hospital and keep my benefits.
I don’t think I’ll ever be homeless. This is big to me.
I don’t think changing your genetic parameters is going to happen anytime soon. It’s wishful thinking and borderline delusional. If it does happen it might be 10-15 years plus or minus 5 years.
Plus, I’m already convinced they got most of the cures and treatments available but refuse to release them or acknowledge it.
Good luck, chess.
