We give you the top 10 certain facts - make no mistake - about children.
1 The more effort you put into a child’s packed lunch - especially if it has meant a midnight trip to a convenience store for supplies - the less chance it will be eaten.
2 A teenage girl will not be fully happy with her attire unless she has caught you wincing. (Gasping is better but wincing will do.)
3 A child shown one of your old, treasured story books will always say, “What, they go and get their feet measured in a shoe shop and that’s the story, that’s it?”
Note They don’t even like the one with the bus. “What, they get to go on a bus and that’s it, that’s the story?”
4 The school play will always have one child who knows all the lines shouting into the faces of those who don’t. (And they call this quality entertainment?)
5 No boy will ever say, “But, Mum, I don’t want you wasting your hard-earned money on those expensive trainers. The cheaper ones will do.”
6 No child has ever resented his or her mother for stealing his or her birthday money to pay the milkman, and anyway it’s the elves who do it.
7 The more you press an outer garment on a child the more he or she will resist.
8 A child’s interest in tractors and dinosaurs will persist long after your interest has waned, assuming you had any interest in the first place, which is unlikely.
9 Swimming goggles will leak or be too tight and it will always be your fault.
10 A child’s school bag will always contain, along with the rotting organic matter of unknown origin, four out-of-date letters saying how important it is that you come to the meeting that was two months ago as well as a note saying a child in the class has nits and we’re not saying it’s your child exactly, but do you get our drift?
Survive school holidays
Every now and then the schools will close and will not reopen until a specified time, no matter how hard you pound on the doors or rap on the windows. We at the club understand this but would still like to say “These periods can last from one week through to six, which is unbelievable considering how dumb children are and, therefore, how much schooling they need. In fact, it would make a lot more sense to keep children in school at all times with the option of a half-day on Christmas Day should the parents feel up to it, which is by no means a given.”
Alternatively, it is wise to kick off any school holiday with some good ground rules. This may involve putting posters up around the house with the following slogans
- Do not ask for credit as refusal often offends.
- I am not a taxi.
- The specials today are “take it” or “leave it”.
- I am not an ATM.
- Don’t use that tone with me.
- The specials tomorrow will be “take it” or “leave it”.
- What part of “no” didn’t you understand?
- The specials will be “take it” or “leave it” into perpetuity, so there is no point in even asking.
Then again, there are all those “activities” you could ferry them to and from if you were a taxi, but you’re not. Honestly, the trouble with today’s kids is that they expect judo and swimming and football and guitar and going to Tom’s house and, therefore, do not stay in watching TV and playing on the PlayStation enough. What do you think we bought the TV and the PlayStation for? You may be seduced into a trip out but don’t say you haven’t been warned.