The minutia of schizophrenia

I was sitting in the break room at work today, drinking a coke and a women soldier walks in. She had her back to me as she washed a cup or a glass in the sink. I was sitting there trying to act normal when she started singing.

Now even before I got sick I’ve had a slight problem when people start singing near me. I’ll explain. I know it sounds odd. But people sing near me! I don’t mean when you’re with friends and you sing a tune you like.

The first time it happened I was 19 and working at a gas station. My boss was out helping me pump gas and he started singing nervously. I thought I was making him nervous and that’s why he was singing. Buy it freaked me out and it made me nervous for real. I guess I thought I was driving him crazy.

Anyway it happens to me occasionally and until today I thought people sang near me because I was acting crazy somehow and they were nervous and that by singing they were trying to show me how crazy I was. I seriously thought this. So the women today is singing away and I started freaking out. I thought, “Am I acting crazy”? “Does she know I have schizophrenia”? “Is this her way of getting back at me”? This went on for a full minute.

BUT…!!! I gave up. She knows!! (I was thinking) So when she turned around I gave her a weird look. And she says, " Oh, excuse the singing. It’s just such a nice day today".
I had nothing to do with me!!
A 35 year old problem was solved in 60 seconds.
The minutia of schizophrenia.

P.S. Don’t get me started on people coughing, lol.


Glad you got that sorted out. I have a lot of co workers singing every day.

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It sounds like the people you work around somehow know that you are SZ and since it is unclear to them what all that means they become fearful or maybe just because she was alone with you in the break room she would naturally be a little weary of most any man, and yeah, that coughing thing, I still can’t explain why it is so disturbing. I think it is because coughing seems to be specifically directed towards us by people who can’t fit us in to any mind set, (vibes) that they are familiar with, (just a hunch) and so become fearful and it’s natural for others to fire a ((“coughing shot”)) across our bows as if warning us of that indifference we present to them… But how are we suppose to reassure them of what we don’t quite understand ourselves. I try to reassure them that I am O.K., (by not reacting to it if I can) instead of becoming upset right away because I found that doing that would just escalate the awkward moment. I think that my belief in a Higher Power (no matter how jealous I get of there being one) at times is a very important aspect of how I react to a given situation.

I have an issue with being in crowded public places and hearing people remark on my appearance. I wear all black almost every day and I’m very muscular with a close buzz so I hear people say things like “that is a big guy” or “look, that man is for real”. “For real” is some Memphis lingo. It means looks tough, is tough, not a poser. I have an issue with gyms sometimes. Sometimes people stare. I like talking with other lifters, they’re cool, but sometimes I get people on treadmills or doing some normal person routine staring. I like when other massive guys are present, takes the attention away. I’m friendly to lifters, I respect them and academics a whole lot. I respect student lifters a lot because they are both.

Like the UC, the university center where people hangout and eat, or bars. People sometimes remark or stare. My parents tell me that I look scary. I don’t feel like myself unless I dress like this and am built like this.

■■■■ it’s actually rather flattering. I need to be reading psychology books I need to stop writing posts and getting derailed.

Do you like to get stared at or not, lol?

No it gets old really quick. I like to surround myself with other stareworthy people to blend in like a chameleon

Wow, what a relief to read that others here have negative or paranoid reactions to people coughing. That has been driving me crazy for so long. I made a rule with myself; never believe the delusional thoughts. No matter how much I believe that people are coughing to “tell me something”, don’t ever believe it. They cannot read my mind, there is no grand scheme. I am a regular person. My delusional thinking is what’s going on, the delusional beliefs are completely false. Thanks to everyone for your posts here. You bring me back to reality.

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I hate when people make noises with their mouth. Like when they rub/smack their tongue on the roof of their mouth and make a short, high pitched sound. I thought they did it on purpose to annoy me. It’s very distracting and I get frustrated. My step father does this constantly and it pisses me off. I looked it up and it’s related to a whole host of medical conditions like Tourette’s and ADD.


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Sometimes just a little reality testing can clear up the biggest quandary and save you a lot of anguish.