I have been spending more time with my family lately. My sister’s fiance and I get along very well, he and I step outside to smoke a cig at family gatherings and we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well and honestly he and I have a better relationship than my sister and I do. My uncle talks to me about stuff, he puts great importance in confidentiality so I cant really say much more than that, but he has been there and done that aside from being psychotic. One of my cousins just graduated high school and is going to William and Mary, he’s a smart cookie, and his older brother is back home from Loyola Marymount in L.A. and he and I get along great, he also clicks with my friends.
Aside from that, I started going to AA. I received tons of support, there were three other people with psychotic disorders in the room, two of them approached me and were like “so you’re a paranoid schizophrenic. Me too buddy” and one of the leaders sat next to me at lunch afterwards, they go out to lunch sometimes and invited me and we had a great conversation about psychosis and drugs and alcohol (she has a psychotic disorder).
I have been doing pretty well with the sauce, it’s just I find myself reaching for a beer or two or three lately when I feel good or when I feel bad. That’s not good since Im on meds- alcohol’s effects are multiplied by each med and alcohol invalidates meds. I will be 21 soon and I need to go to AA so that I dont buy a handle of fireball whiskey on June 11th and drink the whole thing and completely relapse and end up drinking a fifth or more a day like I did at this time a year ago. I start fantasizing about booze and how it just makes me feel no pain and calms my innate rage that I find outlets for, I think it’s better than sex.
Sex is overrated. I think drugs and alcohol are more tempting for me- sex is OK but I have had enough of it to know that even the best sex is just a legal drug. I’m not talking about couples making love, I am speaking from a 20 year old powerlifter’s perspective (uhhh hit it and quit it and dont pay for it). I mean to quit having meaningless sex as well as not drinking again. Meaningless sex is just like doing drugs but it’s dangerous (STD’s) and not psychologically healthy for someone who is has been traumatized like me. I didn’t think that way until my third meaningless sex partner, that made me realize that the behavior I was engaging in was just like drug or alcohol seeking behavior from my teens. (Stop what you’re doing, dont pay attention to time, just have sex right now, get endorphins and dopamine and oxytocin flowing, hell do it in the fourth floor bathroom, we dont have time to get a room, oh you have a boyfriend? But you dont care? Good!)----Just no. NO. BAD MOUSE. STOP.
I am talking to my ex from high school who ditched me because I was not physically close to her, in fact I was afraid of physical contact back then, I had no insight to my psychosis back then. She messaged me an essay on how sorry she was a few months ago and I told her that it was my fault, and that sort of brought her back into the realm of possibilities, I asked her if she wanted to see me again sometime and she was like yeah and last night I texted her and she was pretty responsive, said thanks for checking in and goodnight with a smiley face after a little conversation.
A while ago she said I was really sweet and surprisingly gentle for being a brutal martial artist at the time, she also said she remembered me saying that I thought something was wrong with me but I couldnt describe it well. Now I know I was a budding schizophrenic at the time so that makes perfect sense- she knows about my condition and recovery too. I made a post about it on facebook and she messaged me shortly afterwards.
But anyways, back to the point, who here really feels like family is important to you and is crucial to well-being? I myself find certain members of my family to be very important to me, some don’t like me, whatever, the ones who know me well love me for who I really am- and they know all about my dark side.
Someone close to me points out that I am winning my fight against my demons and that my struggle against mental illness and all of the other factors which make me a “■■■■ mess” is heroic in that I blame myself and keep to myself when I give in. He points out that above all, I actively pursue a life of service to others by going to school, studying psych and making all A’s with the intention of one day getting a PhD and either teaching or being a therapist. It does me a lot of good to have an outside perspective on my ■■■■■■ up brain.
I think I might be going on way too long. Time for me to shut up. I just wanted to get my ■■■■ out.